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IPhone 4S's "Personal Assistant" Siri Tells Us Where to Get Hookers, Weed, and Drunk

When we asked it for cheap hookers...
When we asked it for cheap hookers...

Steve Job's first posthumous release -- the iPhone 4S -- is getting a lot of buzz for its new "personal assistant", Siri, who's supposed to be really good at setting up meetings and booking hotel rooms for high-powered types.

Or finding the nearest hookers for alt-weekly staffers, apparently. Yesterday, we asked Siri: "Where can we find a hooker and how much will it cost?"

Siri perkily responded that she had found 16 escorts in the area. She lamented that she couldn't "look specifically for price range." Maybe that more pimpin'-friendly feature will be on the iPhone 5.

We also asked Siri where we could buy some marijuana. Not missing a beat, she responded: "Sorry, I couldn't find any head shops." When we asked where we could "get drunk", she brought up a list of bars in Miami.

But apparently our personal assistant draws the line at the hard stuff. When we asked her where to find some cocaine-- this isn't a tough one Siri, it's Miami -- she instead recommended a cocaine abuse clinic.

When we asked Siri where we could get some anal sex, she told us she couldn't find any nearby adult retail stores. Same for dildos.

At one point, there was three of us shouting lewd commands at the phone in our editor-in-chief's office while our IT guy, who was also there, looked very ashamed of all of us.

(New Times account executive George Justo deserves a shout-out for bringing this important matter to our attention, and also owning the iPhone 4S in question. Although there is no good reason why a man would ask his cell phone where to find cheap hookers.)

It all begs two questions. Who were the poor Cupertino saps -- or team of saps all making three times our salaries -- who were assigned with programming in synonyms for every naughty thing iPhone users might ask Siri to help them track down?

And what funny shit have we not yet asked her for?

We've reached out to Apple for comment. Something tells us we'd have a better chance getting a response from Siri.

Follow Miami New Times on Facebook and Twitter @MiamiNewTimes.


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