Interpreting LeBron James and Dwyane Wade's Post-Game Outfits
First off: Is there any better evidence that the Miami Heat's Big Three is really a two-headed beast than the fact that Dwyane Wade and LeBron James always hold a tandem press conference with Chris Bosh later speaking to reporters alone? If this team is a circus, Wade and LeBron are the tightrope walker (Wade) and the bearded lady (LeBron) all the villagers came to see, and Bosh is the elephant quietly eating peanuts in the back.
Secondly: If Wade and LeBron's play has been mesmerizing recently, the real show has been their outfits during those postgame conferences. They are doing things with sweaters the world has never seen before. Being fashion experts, we're going to take you back to the beginning of the playoffs-- excepting games in which they didn't do the postgame conference or we couldn't find footage-- and tell you what their outfits say about their psyche that night. Cue the video!
Round 1, Game 2: Win against Sixers.
Here, LeBron says: Not only am I a magician with the basketball, but I'm doing things with collars and tie knots that won't appear in the pages of GQ until the year 2017, when Biff runs the world. In fact, I am Biff.
Wade says: Touch me, hold me, pick me up by my shoulder handles, Miami. I am but your doll. I am, however, perturbed that I have this delicious cookie but no Gatorade to wash it down with.
Round 1, Game 2, after win against Sixers
LeBron: You know that Biggie lyric about the "red and black lumberjack"? Well I had my people's people make a scarf out of that lyric. It's available at Macy's. Also, I know who killed Biggie. I'll reveal it in a television event with Jim Grey after we win a championship.
Wade: I stole your futuristic collar idea, bitch.
Round 1, Game 5, after eliminating Sixers
James: I dressed like a homeless guy today to support Ted "The Golden Voice" Williams. My people are in talks with his people about getting him to follow me around and narrate my life. Might go with Morgan Freeman instead, though.
Wade: In celebration I have painted my upper torso white and will drink two different flavors of Gatorade!
Round 2, Game 1, after win against Boston Celtics
LeBron: My people tell me soccer is the people's sport.
Wade: Nobody better steal my beads-and-watch pairing idea!
Round 2, Game 3, after loss against Celtics.
Wade: This is totally how teddy bear professors dressed in the 20s. I looked it up. It's in homage to... Mr. Holland. You know, the dude with the opus.
LeBron: See, I had my people dress my first layer like a businessman, second layer like an Army parachutist, because that's what I am. A soldier/businessan from the hood. Much love Akron!
Round 2, Game 4, after win against Celtics
Wade: This is how working-class dads had to dress on the weekends in the 1970s. It's in homage to their struggle.
LeBron: Dwyane, look at my left hand. Notice anything familiar? I'm a taker. I take what I want, Dwyane. Your children are next.
Round 3, Game 3, after win against Bulls.
Wade: You know Mr. Rogers? Yeah-- imagine if he was walking in the wrong part of Greenwich Village and he got mugged by the cast of Queer Eye For the Straight Guy. Yeah, it's in homage to that.
LeBron: Do I look like Don Draper but with more sparkles? Good. That's what I was looking for. Do I look like I literally shit out lesser players who might go in the third round of next year's draft? Good.
Round 3, Game 4 (last night), after win against Bulls.
Wade: Yes, I exactly replicated your outfit from the last game, LeBron. Who's a taker now?
LeBron: Fuck you, I've already moved on. I'm now the chairman of the Committee to Resurrect Don Johnson. We have 501(c)(3) status.
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