Gainesville pastor Terry Jones has set off a firestorm by planning "International Burn a Koran Day" for September 11 to protest the "religion of the Devil." As Jones posits on YouTube: "I mean ask yourself: Have you ever really seen a really happy Muslim?"
Never — except for Barack Obama on Inauguration Day. Are we right, Glenn Beck? Boy, these are great times to be a bloated white man hopped up on scripture, bigotry, and Pepsi Max.
But look, while everybody is burning sacred documents, we have a few items to toss on to the pyre. Anybody bring marshmallows?
International Burn a Koran Day
The Constitution: Yeah, it had a few good passages. But it also declared that a black person is three-fifths of a human being, said soldiers can squat in our homes, and totally overused the word shall. Get a thesaurus or get torched.
The menu at T.G.I.Friday's: Just what in hell is a Jack Daniel's glaze anyway?
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Marc Sarnoff's ethics syllabus: After Miami Commissioner Michelle Spence-Jones was indicted, former colleague Sarnoff cosponsored an ordinance giving ethics courses to city pols. Since then, he's been exposed (by this rag) for crony-tastic hiring practices and keeping an illegal office. Looks like he snoozed through his own class.
Lil Wayne's book of lyrics: No matter how long you stretch the syllables, we're pretty sure mammogram does not rhyme with Ho Chi Minh. Sorry.
The Swedish flag: Between the sensible furniture, free health care, and Candace Bergen, is there room for one more country in the Axis of Evil?
The Florida Marlins' new stadium contract: We already knew taxpayers got reamed in subsidizing the Marlins' new stadium. Now leaked financial statements reveal team owner Jeffrey Loria smacked us silly, applied clamps to our nipples, and called us Betty. Our safe word is flamethrower.