In Jason Taylor's Final Game, Dolphins End Jets' Season
Jason Taylor played in the final game of his career yesterday. And what better way for him to go out than to bang the New York Jets' season right in its ear hole, and send them back home with nothing.
The Jets, needing a win (and a little help) to get into the playoffs, came into Sun Life Stadium, and had their season thoroughly cockpunched by the Dolphins, and JT played a huge part in the festivities. The Jets were eliminated from the playoffs, and Taylor retired in style.
Afterward, he gave a speech in the locker room that would make most men cry. Not a sad kind of cry, like the one Jets fans have been crying since yesterday afternoon, but a sentimental cry, seeing one of the greatest Dolphins ever hang em up and ride off into the sunset.
- 6-10 is like a sad handjob from a hooker behind a roadside gas station.
- The 'Fire Jeff Ireland' airplane banner that we put together over at FinsNation flew around the stadium for two hours prior to the game yesterday. A good number of Fins fans (the majority, we'd say) were behind this idea. Getting rid of Jeff Ireland is a good first step in no longer sucking balls. As you can see in the video below, we've got a lot of fans that give a crap and are sick of the steaming pile of shit this franchise has become. Also, we've got a lot of fans that give out a creepy rape van vibe:
- This is the second time in four years that the Dolphins have ruined the season for those dickholes in green. For all the Super Bowl talk from their coach, and all the blustering shit talk from their fans, the Dolphins simply own the New York Jets.
- There had been rumors floating around that the Dolphins might go after Jets offensive coordinator Brian Scottenheimer to be their next head coach. I think having a free Get Punched In The Balls By A Boxing Kangaroo Day at the stadium for the fans would be a much better idea.
- The Packers' Matt Flynn threw for 480 yards and 6 touchdowns playing in place of Aaron Rodgers yesterday. Peter King says he fully expects the Dolphins to go after Flynn in the off-season. I fully expect Flynn to play football like old people fuck once he is a Dolphin.
- The play of the game came when Jason Taylor bull rushed the New York offensive line, and forced Mark Sanchez into his first of two interceptions on the day. Slapping Sanchez in the face with Jason Taylor's giant dong was just the beginning of the greatness of the play. In a desperate attempt to not get sacked, Sanchez flung the football at a receiver, and Randy Starks snatched it out of the air for an interception, ran for two feet and fell down. The whole play was by far the most awesome thing any one had ever seen up to that point in their lives.
- Rex Ryan was defiant after the game, defending his blowhard tactics and his empty mouthy promise of winning a Super Bowl by saying, "I'm always going to chase the Super Bowl. If you don't, you're going to be a loser. You have to have the guts to go for that." 126 points allowed off turnovers, an 8-8 season, and missing the playoffs is what makes one a loser, Rex Ryan, you blue-balled dick monkey. Now shut the fuck up and get yourself a goddamn snack.
- Twenty-eight yards on eleven carries for rookie running back Daniel Thomas. Jeff Ireland is a draft wizard.
- Matt Moore had one very good drive in this game. It was the eventual game-winning drive, which was good but will also undoubtedly have those annoying cockhelmets that are adamant that the 6-10 Dolphins are just fine SWEARING he's the answer to all our problems. He ended the day with 135 yards, 1 touchdown and 2 interceptions. Those people who insist that Matt Moore is the future of this team need to be force-fed zebra anus.
- The Jets' Santonio Holmes supposedly "quit" on his team yesterday, and reports are that some Jets players were saying he had quit on the team once it fell into a late-season slump that ended in Sunday's disaster. So much for Rex Ryan keeping things loose in the locker room with his bombastic, just one of the boys style. I think one way to keep the Jets loose next year is to drill glory holes all over the locker room walls. Nothing will break the monotony of losing like random penises popping in and out of holes in the wall randomly in the background while Rex gives a halftime or post game speech. Rex Ryan needs to consider this if they're to get back to their Super Bowl Predicting Ways!
- Is Jason Taylor a Hall of Famer? Fuck and yes. JT leaves the game with 139 sacks (sixth all-time), is number one in fumble returns for touchdowns (6), and has an entire wing of his mansion filled with pieces of Tom Brady's ass.
Taylor is also a six-time Pro Bowler and a five-time All-Pro selection. He won the Alumni Pass Rusher of the Year in 2000, won AFC Defensive Player of the Year in 2002 and 2006, the NFL Alumni Defensive Lineman Player of the Year in 2005 and 2006, was the AP NFL Defensive Player of the Year and the PFWA Defensive Player of the Year in 2006, and he won the Walter Payton Man of the Year Award in 2007, where he was given the award during halftime of the Super Bowl where the Patriots choked away their bid for a 19-0 season. Holy fuck Jason Taylor owned Tom Brady even when he didn't play him! They just had to step on the same field, and JT would roundhouse kick Brady's hopes and dreams right in the dick.
And if you're still all mad at JT for going to the Jets last year, you need to have a slice of get the fuck over it and cut that shit out already. The guy was forced out by Bill Parcells -- the same fucker who has ruined your team and gave us both Tony Sparano and Jeff Ireland. Taylor went where he was wanted. Not his fault.
No matter what, JT is an all-time Dolphin and always will be. Unlike dudes such as Joe Montana, Brett Favre, or Johnny Unitas, Taylor is actually ending his career with the team he kicked the most ass with. Just like Marino, we may not see such a single dominant force on this team in a long time.
So remember that when you Google him in the future to look up his stats and compare them to the new supposed defensive stand-out we just drafted. You'll be both sad and in awe of JT's greatness. But at least it'll be better than when Tom Brady Googles him and, instead of the search engine reading "Do you mean Jason Taylor?" it reads, "RUN FOR YOUR FUCKING LIFE, COCKBAG!" before shooting sparks and exploding.
So long, 99. And thanks for all the awesome.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you'll never miss Miami New Times' biggest stories.