Uncle Luke, the man whose booty-shaking madness made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. This week, Luke wants to help Chick-fil-A embrace the Rainbow Coalition.
I'd like to offer my pro bono services as a mediator to Chick-fil-A president Dan Cathy, whose comments against gay marriage have made him public enemy number one in the LGBT community. Like Roger Fisher, the great Harvard scholar who helped engineer the 1979 Eygpt-Israel peace treaty, I want to broker a truce between my favorite fast-food chain and my homosexual and transgender brothers and sisters.
Both sides have drawn lines in the sand. In January, Cathy -- whose family has donated millions of dollars to charity organizations opposed to gay marriage -- reaffirmed his support of "biblical families" like Adam and Eve.
"Families are very important to our country," Cathy said. "And they're very important to those of us who are concerned about being able to hang on to our heritage."
His comments once again reignited a vocal response from LGBT activist groups. Last week, thousands of students at the University of New Mexico and North Carolina's Elon University demanded that school officials at both colleges kick out Chick-fil-A franchises. In Santa Barbara, California, dozens of gay rights advocates protested at a new Chick-fil-A.
Despite the calls for a boycott, Chick-fil-A is one of the most popular fast-food joints in the nation. I'm one of their loyal customers because of their fantastic customer service. The employees are straight out of Pleasantville, the 1998 movie about a '50s dream world. Walk into Chick-fil-A or pull up to the drive-thru, and you'll get showered with congeniality. Nobody has a frown. And the food is great. The waffle fries are always hot and fresh; the cookies are warm and soft.
I find it hard to boycott Chick-fil-A. But I can't turn my back on the LGBT community either. I am sure we can reach a common ground. In fact, Chick-fil-A's Cathy and homosexuals have more in common than they realize. For starters, they're all happier than a rainbow.
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So, Dan and LGBT leaders: Let's have a gay ol' party, sit down, eat some delicious chicken sandwiches, and figure this damn thing out already.
Follow Luke on Twitter: @unclelukereal1.