How to Rebuild the Republican Party: Trickle-Down Truck Nutz Theory, Lincolnstein, and The Second Coming
I have a confession to make. I took this job only because I needed the money. The policies enacted by the Pelosi Congress and secret President Hillary Clinton (You thought it was Bill? Ha!) led to this horrible financial crisis (You know ... women and money). I played the part of a leftist zombie to appease my liberal media overlords, and shamefully took their dirty money. But with the Republican Governor's Association Conference kicking off today in Miami, and the party deciding what's next, I can no longer play the part. My hope is that some GOP flack will Google around to find our event listings or restaurant reviews (but only to consciously avoid those places, because the liberal press is wrong about everything, including food) and then click over to Riptide and find this, my suggestion for the future of the Republican Party. The party I love. Yep, I'm going rouge.
Some say we need to rebrand ourselves as moderates. I have no use for those RINOs. Others contend we've abandoned our core values and need to return to conservative principles. This is right on. We need to return to the time-honored Republican values of fear, hate, warmongering, and Bible thumping. Read my detailed plan, after the cut.
1. House Liberal Elite Activities Committee
This railing against the liberal elite is really working. I've read classified exit polls that show 96 percent of voters who named "liberal elites" the top problem facing this nation voted a straight Republican ticket. So all we need to do is make more people afraid of the liberal elite menace. Primarily, we need to change the way we talk about these butter brains. Right now we speak of them like they're boogeymen, but if more Americans knew these whiners could be living next door or teaching their children, or even in the State Department, they would surely fall in line with our party. I propose we start a commission to root out these liberal elites. Maybe it could be chaired by a Wisconsin senator. Or how about a Minnesota congresswoman? So we'll get this Minnesota congresswoman to chair some sort of House Liberal Elite Activities Committee to sniff out the menace. I expect a full 49 percent of the American people are actually, secretly liberal elites. Perfect, because this gives us 51 percent left for our scare, um, I mean re-education tactics. Surely they will all vote for the party that divides people into segments and labels them the anti-elitist, Republican party.
2. Trickle-Down Truck Nutz Economic Policies and the Internet
One of the reasons we lost this past election was because the Democrats are better at beep-beep-booping on their MacBooks and their iPhones. We need to pay more attention to the Internet. Take this website, where red-blooded American citizens suggested which direction the GOP should head. We need to listen to these people because they are the Internet, they are the future, and they want truck nutz. Truck nutz for all. Now listen, I know what you're thinking: Well, if we give everyone truck nutz, isn't that truck nutz socialism? Yes, yes it is. But the people clearly want truck nutz, and we need to find creative, conservative-based ideas to meet their needs. So I propose a trickle-down truck nutz economy. It starts with a truck nutz bailout. We'll just go around to the richest people in the country, and much like Bush gave them tax cuts, we'll give them giant truck nutz. These truck nutz will then divide into smaller truck nutz and soon everyone will have truck nutz. It is a perfect, foolproof plan and it is not at all truck nutz socialism. It is truck nutz capitalism. See, everyone will have their basic need for truck nutz fulfilled, except some people will just have bigger, better truck nutz. It is the American way, and it is our truck nutz way.
We are facing a leadership crisis. Who will be the face of the Republican Party of tomorrow? Palin is a woman, Romney is a Mormon, and Jindal is some sort of ethnic. These are not Republican values. We need to resurrect the leadership qualities of the past, or resurrect a leader from the past. We tried to bring back Reagan, but it turns out that to be resurrected, you need a soul. So we'll have to go all the way back to Lincoln. Until our next great leader emerges (and we'll get to him later), resurrected Lincoln, a.k.a. Lincolnstein, will be our standardbearer. Just one integral thing: No one tell him about this whole "gay" thing. If ol' Abe finds out two dudes can live together peacefully in San Francisco and the neighbors won't care, it's a lost cause. So just keep him away from the Bravo channel, men's fitness magazines, and Madonna records. In fact we should just go ahead and outlaw those things before Bush leaves office. Oh and Charlie Crist -- keep Lincolnstein away from Crist.
4. Keep the Homos Down
On that point, we really need to keep sticking it to the gays. I know some of you had wavered in sticking it to the gays. I know some of you even met Dick Cheney's daughter Mary, and when you shook her hand, you didn't automatically get the herp. I know some of you are thinking, Well, they are people, not to mention potential voters. Maybe we should try to find some sort of compromise. Civil unions don't sound that bad. In fact they kind of seem like a basic civil right. To that I say: This is a political party. Since when are we supposed to care about people's rights? All we should care about is winning. Let's look at history, because sometimes if we are lucky, it repeats itself. This party took a hard stance against the civil rights movement. Now sure, perhaps we lost the votes of generations of African-Americans, but we gained the entire South and other assorted pockets of ingrained racists everywhere in return! It's a trade-off really. Oppose some basic civil rights for a greater share of the homophobic electorate, and in the end, it is best for everyone, because conservative ideals are best for everyone. And maybe if these homos don't cause too much of a stir, someday we'll let some truck nutz trickle down their way.
5. Biblical Sexual Legislation
We need to make every biblical sexual policy into law. Let's begin with Deuteronomy 22:22-23: "If a damsel that is a virgin be betrothed unto an husband, and a man find her in the city, and lie with her/Then ye shall bring them both out unto the gate of that city, and ye shall stone them with stones that they die/The damsel, because she cried not, being in the city/And the man, because he hath humbled his neighbor's wife: so thou shalt put away evil from among you." Clearly we need to pass the City Rape Act. In layman's terms, it means if a woman is raped in a city and doesn't scream loud enough, then both the woman and the man shall be stoned to death. To avoid the fate, the woman's scream shall have to register at 85db or higher. Then there's the Forced Circumcision Act as prescribed by Habakkuk 2:16. Clearly there is much more legislation to be drawn up, and we need to work to make sure God's law becomes man's law at once.
6. Abolish the Judicial Branch
And how about all these liberal activist judges? What is the deal with them? It is foolish to think we can try to get rid of these judges. I mean, somehow the most liberal justice on the Supreme Court was appointed by a Republican. Even Bush Sr. got conned into putting Souter on the Court. And he turned into a godless commie. We cannot contain the activist judge threat without entirely getting rid of the judicial system. In fact, as soon as we ax the Department of Education, we'll gun for the judicial branch. Actually, it doesn't matter -- the whole idea of justice was outlawed by the Patriot Act anyhow.
7. Second Coming War Policies
Then the economy. Liberals, excuse me, Libtards will say, "Oh, well FDR's New Deal helped end the Great Depression." Nay, the New Deal was a bunch of socialist bullcrap. What really brought about the end of the Great Depression was WWII. Clearly we need to start another world war. But listen, we don't want to mess with Germany again. I mean, war on a mostly white nation, that's never going to fly. Plus we lost some great political minds last time, if you know what I mean. So the obvious solution, perhaps the final solution, is a full-on war with Israel and the Arabs. Our economy will be back up and running in no time. Plus, as my friend the late, great Rev. Jerry Falwell said, a war between Israel and the Arabs will bring about the second coming of Christ! Which brings me to my final point.
8. Use Jesus to Our Political Advantage
Once Jesus comes back, we need to draft him into the Republican Party. Ha-ha, like we even have to try. This is God's party, after all. Soon, all of our down-ticket candidates will print "As Endorsed by Christ" on their campaign material. No longer will we be limited to Our Lord wannabes like James Dobson and Pat Robertson. Then, after some careful grooming and vetting -- seriously, if there is one thing we learned from Sarah Palin, we cannot just throw these people into the national spotlight unprepared, not even JC -- we will run Jesus as our presidential nominee. The electoral map will run red, we'll eliminate term limits, and once and for all, America will truly be a Republican kingdom.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you'll never miss Miami New Times' biggest stories.