How Mitt Romney Can Win Florida: Tie Fidel Castro to His Car's Roof
Mitt Romney made Barack Obama his bitch during last week's presidential debate. He lied and obfuscated; flip-flopped and feigned outrage; flapped his finely manicured hands and blamed Obama for allegedly leading us down the path to socialist serfdom. Unsurprisingly, the mainstream media promptly rewarded Romney's radical revisionism with gushing praise.
But it'll take a lot more for Mitt to win the election. Recent polls show him losing by nine points in Florida, the most critical swing state in the nation. So, what can Romney do to win Floridians' hearts and minds ahead of the November 6 election?
We polled our crack team of political consultants. This is what they came up with:
Screw with Fidel: Obama whacked Osama bin Laden, ended the war in Iraq, and helped topple Libyan dictator Moammar Gadhafi. Romney's foreign policy experience, meanwhile, amounts to insulting the Brits, pissing off Palestinians, and owning slush funds in the Caribbean. But there is one way the candidate can gain instant cred with cubanos: fuck with Fidel Castro.
Romney has promised to reintroduce harsh interrogation techniques (read "torture"), so why not start with El Comandante? In a Brigham Young-style burst of bravado, Romney should swim the Straits of Florida, kidnap Castro, and bring him back to the States. But instead of waterboarding the gray-bearded guerrillero, Romney could strap him to the roof of his SUV and drive around until Castro gets sick, just like Mitt once did with his Irish setter Seamus.
Implement trickle-down croquetas: Romney is an avid believer in trickle-down economics — the belief that tax cuts for the rich are passed on to middle- and lower-class families. But with George W. Bush's tenure proving the idea complete bullshit, Romney should change tack. He needs to use his massive personal fortune to manufacture 19 million croquetas, which he can then distribute around the state with the slogan "!Con Romney, croquetas para todos!"
Of course, Romney could try suggesting policies that would actually improve the lives of Floridians, such as concrete plans for foreclosure relief and job creation or fixing the state's crumbling infrastructure.
But from the looks of it, that sure as hell ain't happening anytime soon. Until then, we can only dream of toasty croquetas and torturing Castro.
Get the Weekly Newsletter
Our weekly feature stories, movie reviews, calendar picks and more - minus the newsprint and sent directly to your inbox.