Earlier this year, we asked the question, "How do you know you're a real Miamian?" Which obviously got us thinking: How do you know when you're a real Floridan?
This is a state full of retirees and transients. Even if you were born here, there's a good chance your parents probably weren't. So how does one define true Floridianess? We took our best shot at it with this quiz.
The test is pretty simple: For every bullet point you answer "Yes," go ahead and give yourself a point. The scoring key is at the end.
- It's officially fall when you can keep your a/c off for at least 30 minutes and not sweat to death.
- You travel for two hours and have to remind yourself you're not in a completely different state or county, but still in Florida.
- You've done the stingray shuffle, and we don't mean on the dance floor.
- You know someone who was involved in a "weird Florida news" story that went viral.
- Seeing dolphins or manatees no longer impresses you.
- You either get really offended when people call you a Southerner or really offended when people say you're not a real Southerner. Either way, you have strong feelings on the matter.
- You actually root for Florida sports teams (and you understand why we included this. Seriously, get out of our state Jets fans. Go back to Jersey.).
- And, of course, you have felt personally victimized by a Florida sports team.
- You honestly can't fathom the idea that people don't know how to swim.
- Publix Subs > Subway Subs
- Big Foot isn't real, but you haven't completely written off the existence of the Skunk Ape.
- Your winter wardrobe consists of a few hoodies and a denim jacket (often worn with flip flops).
- Your hometown (or at least the first city in Florida you lived in) is now almost unrecognizable thanks to the building boom.
- You could go to the beach every Saturday and Sunday of a month and still never wear the same swimsuit.
- You're sick of seeing mega-lawyer John Morgan's fat face telling you he's "For the People" during every commercial break.
- You've gotten sunburned in December.
- A good college football season means your team beat Florida, Florida State and/or Miami (or, obviously, the two teams on that list that aren't your team).
- Mountains actually freak you out.
- Alligators, however, no longer freak you out.
- You don't take hurricanes seriously until they're at least a category 3.
- Your family Christmas card photo was taken on the beach ... just before you sent it out.
- You recognize the pool screen cage as a defining feature of Florida architecture.
- Someone in your family has a real estate license.
- You can pronounce Kissimmee, Loxahatchee, Wewahitchka, and Okeechobee.
- When visiting historic towns in the Northeast you just think, "Yawn, that's cute. St. Augustine is older."
- If your city even has a public transit system, you're not really sure how to use it.
- You think the Sunshine Skyway is a better bridge than the Golden Gate Bridge.
- A cracker isn't necessarily something you spread cheese on.
- The most famous band to come out of your town is probably somewhat embarrassing (unless you don't consider pop punk embarrassing, but you know it is).
- You regularly get lost in neighborhoods that look like this.
- There's a drawer in your house full of half empty sunscreens and tannings lotions.
- You're jealous of people with basements.
- As a child you got "funny feelings" when looking at the post card rack. You still might. So much neon spandex!
- You vote in presidential races because you think that your vote could actually count. You just hope it is actually counted.
- You know the state bird isn't a flamingo or a pelican, but you're kind of disappointed it isn't.
- You're an orange juice snob.
- It's not how many miles it is to your destination. It's how many minutes.
- Your first thought at the mention of the word "snowbird" isn't penguin, but road rage.
- You know someone who's been to rehab for pain pill addiction.
- The cruelest form of torture is a never-ending no wake zone.
Great, now add it all up:
0 points: What the hell are you doing taking one of our tests again, you Bostonite?
1 to 10 points: Congratulations on purchasing one of our many fine homes out of foreclosure as a winter getaway, but you're not a Floridians yet.
11 to 20 points: You might actually be a Californian. Easily confused, but not quite the same thing.
21 to 30: Congrats, you're a real Floridian! But you're not living up to your true Florida potential. Is that tan even real?
31 to 40: For better or worse you're so Floridian you might as well get a tattoo of that snake eating an alligator on your ass.
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!