How Do You Know When You're a Real Floridian?
Earlier this year, we asked the question, "How do you know you're a real Miamian?" Which obviously got us thinking: How do you know when you're a real Floridan?
This is a state full of retirees and transients. Even if you were born here, there's a good chance your parents probably weren't. So how does one define true Floridianess? We took our best shot at it with this quiz.
The test is pretty simple: For every bullet point you answer "Yes," go ahead and give yourself a point. The scoring key is at the end.
- It's officially fall when you can keep your a/c off for at least 30 minutes and not sweat to death.
- You travel for two hours and have to remind yourself you're not in a completely different state or county, but still in Florida.
- You've done the stingray shuffle, and we don't mean on the dance floor.
- You know someone who was involved in a "weird Florida news" story that went viral.
- Seeing dolphins or manatees no longer impresses you.
- You either get really offended when people call you a Southerner or really offended when people say you're not a real Southerner. Either way, you have strong feelings on the matter.
- You actually root for Florida sports teams (and you understand why we included this. Seriously, get out of our state Jets fans. Go back to Jersey.).
- And, of course, you have felt personally victimized by a Florida sports team.
- You honestly can't fathom the idea that people don't know how to swim.
- Publix Subs > Subway Subs
- Big Foot isn't real, but you haven't completely written off the existence of the Skunk Ape.
- Your winter wardrobe consists of a few hoodies and a denim jacket (often worn with flip flops).
- Your hometown (or at least the first city in Florida you lived in) is now almost unrecognizable thanks to the building boom.
- You could go to the beach every Saturday and Sunday of a month and still never wear the same swimsuit.
- You're sick of seeing mega-lawyer John Morgan's fat face telling you he's "For the People" during every commercial break.
- You've gotten sunburned in December.
- A good college football season means your team beat Florida, Florida State and/or Miami (or, obviously, the two teams on that list that aren't your team).
- Mountains actually freak you out.
- Alligators, however, no longer freak you out.
- You don't take hurricanes seriously until they're at least a category 3.
- Your family Christmas card photo was taken on the beach ... just before you sent it out.
- You recognize the pool screen cage as a defining feature of Florida architecture.
- Someone in your family has a real estate license.
- You can pronounce Kissimmee, Loxahatchee, Wewahitchka, and Okeechobee.
- When visiting historic towns in the Northeast you just think, "Yawn, that's cute. St. Augustine is older."
- If your city even has a public transit system, you're not really sure how to use it.
- You think the Sunshine Skyway is a better bridge than the Golden Gate Bridge.
- A cracker isn't necessarily something you spread cheese on.
- The most famous band to come out of your town is probably somewhat embarrassing (unless you don't consider pop punk embarrassing, but you know it is).
- You regularly get lost in neighborhoods that look like this.
- There's a drawer in your house full of half empty sunscreens and tannings lotions.
- You're jealous of people with basements.
- As a child you got "funny feelings" when looking at the post card rack. You still might. So much neon spandex!
- You vote in presidential races because you think that your vote could actually count. You just hope it is actually counted.
- You know the state bird isn't a flamingo or a pelican, but you're kind of disappointed it isn't.
- You're an orange juice snob.
- It's not how many miles it is to your destination. It's how many minutes.
- Your first thought at the mention of the word "snowbird" isn't penguin, but road rage.
- You know someone who's been to rehab for pain pill addiction.
- The cruelest form of torture is a never-ending no wake zone.
Great, now add it all up:
0 points: What the hell are you doing taking one of our tests again, you Bostonite?
1 to 10 points: Congratulations on purchasing one of our many fine homes out of foreclosure as a winter getaway, but you're not a Floridians yet.
11 to 20 points: You might actually be a Californian. Easily confused, but not quite the same thing.
21 to 30: Congrats, you're a real Floridian! But you're not living up to your true Florida potential. Is that tan even real?
31 to 40: For better or worse you're so Floridian you might as well get a tattoo of that snake eating an alligator on your ass.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Miami New Times' biggest stories.