Horatio Cain Screwed Estefano

You can acquit if on his face the sunglasses sit.
You can acquit if on his face the sunglasses sit.
You can acquit if on his face the sunglasses sit.

Damn you Horatio Cain, and your stupid sunglasses too. Wednesday, when the jury acquitted Francisco Oliveira Jr. on charges he shot songwriter Estefano I theorized that they didn't have enough "CSI-style physical evidence" to come to a guilty verdict. Today, the Herald takes it a step further asking if the Jury was under the CSI Effect.

Even though the prosecution firmly established Olivieria's motive, and Estefano testified that Oliveira was the man who shot him, it wasn't enough for jurors. One juror told the Herald, ''They didn't have nothing to go on. No DNA. No powder burns. No fingerprints. I can't do nothing to a guy until they got something to go on. It was just hearsay -- `Junior shot me.'" Yeah, shut your mouth, Estefano. Why don't you go write a song about it? Get back to me when you've got the dude's DNA under your fingernails.

People, CSI is just a television show. The Miami version isn't even shot here. It's not even a reality show. It's fakier than half the contestant's breasts on Rock of Love. They're simple 60-minute stories thought up by writers to showcase some fairytale science that looks good in slow-mo. Get it through your head. Because, eventually I'm going to write something on Riptide that someone's going to dislike (and not just for minor grammatical mistakes), and obviously they're going to try to shoot me. When I get my day in court I don't want the dude to go free just because investigators couldn't find a drop of his spit on the crime scene. Sometimes, a well documented motive and the testimony of the victim is really all you need. And because we don't live in TV land, it's all you're going to get.

--Kyle Munzenrieder


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