Holiday Fight Video Spectacular: Punches Thrown at Sawgrass Mills Mall, Hurricanes Game

Holiday Fight Video Spectacular: Punches Thrown at Sawgrass Mills Mall, Hurricanes Game
Screencaps via Twitter/TMZ Sports

Most people don't know this, but Florida has its very own version of Santa. Some know him only by the choking, smog-like mist that shrouds him whenever he appears or by the warm scent of stale Coors Light that wafts through the air when he's especially close. Those who have seen the deity's physical form typically refer to him by one name: Harry the Meth Snake.

Unlike Santa, Harry the Meth Snake, who is made equally of meth and snake, works year-round. He does not deal in physical gifts — instead, Harry the Meth Snake flies from town to town, pumping Floridians full of coke, alcohol, and amphetamines and goading them into doing dumb shit in front of video cameras.

Harry does put in a bit of extra oomph around the holidays, perhaps in a goodnatured competition with Santa Claus. Take, for instance, this year: The Florida gift-giving gods have bestowed upon us not one, but two delicious Miami fistfight videos in a single December day.

It's almost impossible to decide which of these clips better represents the state of Florida.

The first, posted yesterday evening, depicts an employee at a Steve Madden store at Sawgrass Mills walloping a Swiss tourist who demanded to enter a closed store and then dumped a bottle of water on her. The Swiss woman, who quite clearly instigated the fight, then shouts, "I am going to sue youuu!" in an accent so comedically French she could pose as Inspector Clouseau's aunt in a Pink Panther reboot.

But the details of the incident get even more spectacular: The fight occurred right in front of off-duty 940 WINZ reporter Andy Slater, who filmed the entire throwdown himself on his iPhone. The blond, white woman — in a classic rich-Florida-person move — apparently claimed she was being discriminated against by not being allowed to buy low-cost velvet pumps.

Amazingly, this might not be the most ridiculous Miami-related fight of the day. (Harry the Meth Snake does not observe Christmas but instead spends New Year's Eve getting blackout drunk on expired Four Loko and throwing coke-dipped darts at tourists on Ocean Drive.)

Last night, the Miami Hurricanes won their first bowl game in ten years. This was certainly cause to celebrate — and in Florida, "celebrations" tend to end with people getting injured. At last night's Russell Athletic Bowl in Orlando, two opposing fans lined up to pee at a urinal in Camping World Stadium.

In true Homeric fashion, the video — which TMZ Sports obtained — begins in media res, and it's unclear who started the fight. But we're tossed into a dizzying argument between a short Canes fan and a bald, massive, alcohol-flushed West Virginia booster.

The Hurricanes fan briefly claims the West Virginia supporter cut in front of him in line, thus clearly forcing the gigantic bald man to stand up and claim his fragile manhood.

"Back the fuck up right now!" the West Virginian shouts.

"I'm just standing in line going to pee," the Miamian responds.

"I'm going to piss on you!" the Great Bald One retorts. He then steps toward the Miamian and begins to unbutton his fly. "I'll piss all over you, motherfucker."

In an ill-advised move, the Miami fan then takes a swing at the gigantic bald dude, which the West Virginian swats off like a mosquito bite:

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The video then totally jumps the shark: The Miami fan runs, and the hulking Southerner follows him out the door. As the camera pans, it's revealed at the 25-second mark that the West Virigina fan has only one leg.

Oh, and then he mentions he's an ex-con, in the most wonderful way possible.

"I used to fuck guys like you in prison!" he shouts. "Lil' bitch." (This also may or may not have been a Road House reference.)

So there you have it. Harry the Meth Snake works in mysterious ways, which we as Floridians are bound to blindly support.

But the question remains: Which of today's holiday incidents was more "Florida" — a self-obsessed blonde at a mall getting smacked, or a one-legged ex-con threatening to sodomize a Miamian who bit off more than he could chew? You decide:


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