Hey Kids! Want to Elude the New Curfew?
Worried About Being Busted?
Well, take the New Times Home-Study Curfew Evasion Coursetm and you'll be able to stay out all night long, doing whatever you want, any day of the week!
Act now and you'll also get our valuable Adult Simulationtm products and other premiums ABSOLUTELY FREE!!!
Sound too good to be true? Think again. The staff at New Times, in consultation with a panel of law-enforcement experts and genuine teenagers, has compiled an easy-to-use program that will allow you to master the secrets of adulthood so you can party hearty till the wee hours. For a mere $39.95, peace of mind -- and all the late-night fun you could ever want -- can be yours!
Don't stay home because a bunch of fascist commissioners passed a law saying kids under 17 have to stay off the streets between 11:00 p.m. and 6:00 a.m on weekdays, or after midnight on weekends. By taking our course, you'll also learn how to exploit loopholes in the law. Wondering whether you qualify for an exemption? Don't worry about it, because after completing our program, you'll see how to make those exceptions work for you, too.
The curfew goes into effect this week. Are you prepared? If you take the Home-Study Curfew Evasion Coursetm, you will be. Just look at what you'll get....
"My parents are dissin' me!"
"I am at a loss to explain the overtimemy supervisor is demanding of me."
"That movie was really awesome."
"I found the plot line a bit thin, but the acting was superb."
Cop: What are you doing out after 11:00?
Teen: Cruisin' for ho's.
Cop: What are you doing out after 11:00?
Teen: I'm on my way to a private dinner party at Christy's for my good friend Gloria Estefan.
You'll be amazed at our special audio-cassette tapes that will upgrade your teenage talk to college-age and young professional conversation. After listening to these tapes for only a few minutes a day, you'll be able to fool cops, bartenders, and even your peers into thinking you're an actual adult -- without having to produce a fake I.D.! You'll learn the basic do's and don'ts of sounding grown-up and answering questions from nosy cops.
We give you everything you need in order to qualify for an OFFICIAL exemption. With this impressive philosophy textbook -- conveniently hollowed-out to provide secret storage for your stash -- you can confidently tell any cop that you're just returning from your UM seminar on existentialism. And the Bible, of course, says it clearly: Don't bother me, I've just been to my house of worship.
Good news for curfew-busters! The Air-A-Parent (patent pending) inflatable chaperone can be yours if you order now. Strap this lifelike father figure into the passenger seat and avoid hassles! (Deflates quickly for easy storage in glove compartment or trunk.) Now the night -- the whole night -- can be yours.
By ordering the cassettes now, you'll also receive a special step-by-step illustrated guide to looking and acting more mature. These makeover tips, plus the free accessories that come with our course, are GUARANTEED to enable you to pass as an adult. The guide will show you that even hanging out in the parking lot at Penrod's can be turned into an adult activity called "networking."
With our custom selection of stick-on cap labels, you can turn around your baseball cap and instantly transform it into a proud symbol of adult pursuits. You may feel like a dork, but at least you'll look like a grownup.
Everyone knows who'll be the real targets of curfew-crazy cops. That's right -- Miami's African-American teen brothers and sisters. As a special bonus accessory, the Home-Study Curfew Evasion Coursetm includes this miracle skin cream. From black to suburban white for up to eight hours -- and no harmful side effects! You'll be welcome anywhere -- even Coral Gables.
Instantly look like a responsible, hard-working teen without having to change your fun-loving lifestyle. At the first sign of trouble just put on one of our authentic-looking hats. As far as the cops are concerned, you're heading home from your fast-food job. They're your passport for a night of partying!
Why should Francisco Del Rey have all the fun? For a limited time we are offering this exclusive guide to those hidden roads in Dade County where you and your friends can know the thrill of high-speed racing -- without being hassled by cops!
ORDER NOW! DON'T LET THE CURFEW PUT YOU IN JAIL!
____YES! I want to avoid the humiliation of being dragged to a holding cell by some cop. Please rush me my very own New Times Home-Study Curfew Evasion Coursetm, plus all the free premiums you've promised. I understand that if after taking this course, I am arrested for curfew violation, I can return all items for a FULL REFUND, no questions asked.
Do not send cash! We will bill for orders
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Miami New Times' biggest stories.
- Put Every Toll Increase to a Local Vote, New Petition Argues
Sun., Aug. 2, 1:05pm
Tue., Aug. 4, 6:35pm
Wed., Aug. 5, 6:35pm
Thu., Aug. 6, 6:35pm
- Miami Dolphins Fans' Survival Guide to Training Camp
- Boxer Yathomas Riley Charged With Murdering Wife Three Years After Beating Similar...