The old line goes that "the great thing about Miami is how close it is to the United States." The truth is, though, the worst thing about Miami is how close it is to Florida.
So, when we learned yesterday that there was an effort underway to have Florida secede from the union, we were thrilled. Because guess what: we ain't coming with. More than half of our citizens came too far and gave up too much to come to the United States in the first place to see Miami-Dade become a part of whatever cracker lunacy the Confederacy 2.0 is sure to become. Broward, Palm Beach, The Keys, ya'll can come too if you want. The rest of you can kiss our ass good bye. We're staying in America. We're starting our own state of South Florida, and frankly it's been a long time coming, too.
Chip of us off if you want to. We'll float into the Caribbean where we belong anyway. We'll miss discounted tickets to Disney World, but that's about it. Y'all can keep your Rick Scotts, and your Tim Tebows, and your trailer park meth addicts, and all your drunk moms who leave their babies out in the Bealls parking lot, that tramp in Tampa who keeps sexting all our military generals, and all your other gutter nonsense.
We'll keep the only semblance of actual culture this state has, all that nice tourism money from loaded South American and European visitors, and our Obamacare, thank you very much.
Here's how it's gonna work out.
- We're finally changing the state bird to the flamingo, because hello, why the hell was it a mockingbird (like practically every other state) in the first place? People think of Florida they think of flamingos. Damn.
- The new state song is "Lookout Weekend" by Debbie Deb.
- Let's be real, we're totally legalizing marijuana as our first order of business.
- A week later when we all decide we need a break from being stoned, we'll get around to legalizing gay marriage, and we will have the fiercest gay weddings imaginable.
- Out of moral obligations we're taking the Everglades with us, and we'll let the feds keep taking care of that, thanks.
- I know there may be concerns that we may descend into an actual Banana Republic, as we kind of have a corruption problem, but don't worry. Gov. Debbie Wasserman-Schultz will steer us straight.
- Oh yeah, sorry any remaining Republicans, but you're not just in a blue state now, but actually one of the deepest blue states in the entire nation. About 63 percent of us between the four counties of South Florida just voted for Obama. The only actual states that voted more heavily Democratic this year were Vermont and Hawaii. South Florida would be so blue in the face it be looking like it hadn't breathed in a good ten minutes.
- Colleges in the rest of Florida, or any other state that secedes, will be forbidden from recruiting our local high school assets. Yes, the legislation will be known as the Miami Hurricanes Assistance Act.
- While we're at, let's just drop the word "Florida" altogether. What should we call our new state? Flager? LeBronington? South New York?
- White people with American accents may occasionally be asked for papers to prove that they're in our state legally. Especially if they do not have a good tan.
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
So, sorry rest of Florida. You probably won't be sad to see us go, since you never liked us much anyway. Feeling's mutual. But truth be told, you'll end up missing us a lot more than we'll ever miss you.