Heat Win Sixth-Straight, Bill Clinton is Impressed
Dwyane Wade blew the ass off of the Orlando Magic's defense yesterday, dropping 27 points on them and leading the Miami Heat to the 98-71 victory while former President Bill Clinton watched courtside doing that white-man's overbite thing he does when he sees something impressive. When these teams met two weeks ago, the Magic rained down 17 three pointers on the Heat, with Dwight Howard finishing with 25 points and 24 rebounds, and Ryan "This Name Sounds Made Up" Anderson scoring 27 points, hitting five treys in the process.
But yesterday, D-Wade and LeBron James came in with a game plan that featured them just throwing down a shitload of alley oops while combining for 52 points. What a good plan!
The win gives Miami their sixth-straight victory, and the best record in the league at 25-7. The 12-point win is the smallest margin of victory Miami has had during the winning streak, which means that the Heat are both obliterating their opponents while silencing all the shithead critics that wonder if they can win when the game is on the line.
Apparently, they don't win that way.
They just decide to bulldoze teams with their dongs by hitting acrobatic alley-oops and winning by double digits. ALLEY-OOPS AND DOUBLE DIGIT DONGS.
D-Wade, meanwhile, has been going what the kids today call HAM on opponents as of late, shooting at least 50 percent in the last ten games and generally dropkicking people in the throat with his awesomeness. Against the Magic yesterday, Wade scored 12 points in the opening seven minutes, leading the Heat to a 22-11 lead. Then, in the third quarter, LeBron asked if it was his turn yet to put his ass-demolishing skills to use and Wade said sure and James did just that, finishing with 25 points, 11 rebounds and eight assists --
two dimes shy of a triple-double. Also, he almost killed a couple of kids sitting courtside with his ass.
But for all their offensive dick wreckage, it was Miami's defense that helped seal the deal for the Heat. With the Magic being the three-point shooting assholes that they are, Miami had to counter with tough inside defense on Howard. Thanks to Miami's tough D, Orlando shot a bag-of-piss 36 percent from the field, while they held Howard to just 12 points and three offensive rebounds on the day.
As for Wade swinging his dick on opponents like a Samurai katana, he told the media it's simply a matter of math. That, and hitting his shots.
"It's taking high-percentage shots and being in a groove," Wade said. "I'm getting back to taking my shots and I'm hitting them."
Currently the Heat have two -- TWO -- serious league MVP candidates on their roster. Holy assballs, that's bananas!
The Heat host the Sacramento Kings on Tuesday at the AAA. Tip off is at 7:30 p.m.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you'll never miss Miami New Times' biggest stories.