Heat Throttle Nets 103-73, Don't Care "Where Brooklyn At?"
Your WORLD CHAMPION Miami Heat took on the newly-relocated Brooklyn Nets last night and proceeded to obliterate those Brooklyn/New Jersey/Whatever fools 103-73, proving that even if you move from a shitty state to a less shitty city borough, it doesn't change the fact that your squad is infinitely inferior to the best basketball team on the planet.
It was your usual Heat thrashing against a bad-to-mediocre team, featuring laser-sharp, crisp passes, Globetrotters-like scoring by multiple flying badasses circling around the court without ever touching the ground and -- finally! -- suffocating defense that had the Nets gasping for air like some nasty ass parrot fish you caught on a Key Biscayne bridge that was too gross to throw back or offer to a homeless dude.
The fact the Nets have moved to Brooklyn, have shiny new uniforms and Jay-Z is a 0.000000016% owner of a team made no difference on this night. It must suck when said owner of your team has a song singing the praises of the opposing team's two best players.
- It's been good to see the defense slowly round into form again after the first few games where LeBron, Wade, Bosh and company had zero fucks to give on the defensive end. This is the second game in a row that Miami held the opposing offense to under 100 points and there seems to be a concerted effort to get their defensive rotations in order, clamp down on outside shooting and limit second and third shots per possession.
- Dwyane Wade led all scores with 22 points on an efficient 10-of-14 night, followed by LeBron's 20 point night where he was perfect from the free throw line and made 2-of-3 three pointers. Those are some just-fell-outta-bed-and-scored-a-bunch-of-points-YAAAAWWN numbers for those big-dicked motherfuckers to the point that Sir CobraDick himself didn't even have to play any minutes in the fourth quarter. LeBron also finished two assists shy of a triple-double even though he didn't play the final quarter, but, given James' stressful Finals run and heavy minutes in the Olympics, any rest we can get him early in the season will hopefully pay off tenfold come May and June.
- There were still a few real pretty, pretty plays like Wade and James were New Orleans Indian chiefs parading around Mardi Gras in a Treme episode:
- Rashard Lewis pitched in another 13 points off the bench even though it's obvious the guy doesn't care a single shit about defense. An adept MURDER BALL aficionado would wheel circles around him. Still, it's nice to have his points and physical presence on nights like this where James could use some rest.
- Deron Williams managed only 14 points against the Heat's stifling defense. In addition, the Heat held the Nets prized free agent acquisition (and dude who makes more money than LeBron and Wade) Joe Johnson to 9 points and handcuffed Kris Humphries (aka Mr Kardashian, aka THE BIG CHAI LATTE) to 11 points despite -- shockingly -- averaging 21 points against Miami last season.
- This is Miami's 11th-straight win against the New Jersey/Brooklyn Nets and there's no indication that this complete asshole domination will cease any time soon.
The Miami Heat will next go on a long road trip starting with a big game in Atlanta this Friday night. Tipoff is at 7:30 p.m.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you'll never miss Miami New Times' biggest stories.