Heat Take Down Bulls In Chippy Affair
Last night's game between the Miami Heat and Chicago Bulls at the American Airlines Arena was as close to a playoff atmosphere as you're going to get in a game that was mostly meaningless, but also mostly amazeballs.
Spurred by LeBron James and Dwyane Wade, Miami took down the Bulls 83-72 in a game that featured technical fouls, pushing, shoving, jawing, and LeBron James setting a pick on John Lucas III that was so devastating, we're pretty sure it dislodged every bone in Lucas' body, forcing his teammates to pick him up and carry him over to their bench like a sack of old Legos.
In a game where the Heat brought truckloads of fucks to give away, Miami's defense looked like it was in playoff form, forcing the Bulls to shoot 27 percent from the floor, and holding Chicago to a season-low 72 points.
LeBron was once again a massive mound of awesome, scoring 27 points, grabbing 11 rebounds, dishing out 6 dimes and shoving the MVP trophy down his pants and daring anyone with the balls to come and get it. Dwyane Wade added 16 of his own. Playing without Chris Bosh, the Heat got solid contributions from other Heat players. Bizzaro Chalmers made his triumphant return, scoring 16 points. Udonis Haslem, who finally overcame his bout of the shits, scored 6 points starting in place of Bosh and flushed down a couple of monster dunks (PUN!).
The Chicago Bulls, who were without HE SO HUMBLE, who was nursing a sore ankle, had big games from John Lucas III, who scored 16 points and Joakim Noah, who still looks like he smells like Big Foot's dick.
The two teams continued to give each other their best shot with made baskets and stifling defense to start off the game. It was typical Heat-Bulls. Then, with six minutes remaining in the first half, James Jones tried to box out Noah for a rebound by shoving his elbows into his face. That's when things got, as the experts say, "real." The two teams had to be separated by refs and coaches and Noah did that thing where he claps a lot. The refs assessed Jones a flagrant-2 and ejected him from the game. It was the right call but, in Jones' defense, Joakim Noah does have quite the punchable face.
Then, in the third quarter, Rip Hamilton and Wade got into a bit of a brouhaha themselves. Rip elbowed Wade trying to create space with the basketball, and Wade responded with a "Fuck you. And fuck your elbow," and shoved Hamilton. Words were then exchanged about each other's mamas. Both players were assessed technicals.
But wait! There's more!
With John Lucas III pestering Chalmers during the in-bound pass, LeBron stepped up to set a screen in order to free up Chalmers taking the basketball down court. Lucas didn't see LeBron and slammed into him like an old lady getting hit but a bus.
Earlier in the season, LeBron hurdled over Lucas for a dunk. Then, last night, LeBron obliterated him with a perfectly legal screen. Ego bruised, Lucas went after LeBron like an angry wet marmot and yipped something at James who shoved Lucas and smirked as if to say, "You know I can crush your whole head with my hand, right?"
And, since one of the unbendable rules of the universe is never to get LeBron or D-Wade angry, the two had no choice but to beat the holy living shit out of the Bulls. Which they did. And it was glorious.
Remember how just a week ago a bunch of people were bitching about LeBron's one missed free throw that supposedly cost the Heat a win at Chicago? Yea those people need to go finger bang a raccoon.
If the Heat win their four remaining games and the Bulls loses one of their remaining, the Heat get the number-one seed by virtue of conference tie-breaker. GOT ALL THAT?
The Heat host the Wizards on Saturday night. Tipoff is at 7.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Miami New Times' biggest stories.