Heat Edge Out Spurs' B-Team To 105-100 Win
The Heat managed to pull out a 105-100 victory last night despite the Spurs fielding a team without Manu Ginobli, Tony Parker or Tim Duncan -- all of which were sent home by Coach Gregg Poppovich to San Antonio after playing 4 games in the last 5 nights. Without San Antonio's own Big Three this figured to be a slaughter, but if you thought so you haven't watched much Miami Heat basketball this season.
Nooo, Admiral Ackbar. It wasn't a trap. It's just your typical, 2012 Miami Heat WE HAVE NEGATIVE FUCKS TO GIVE AT THIS POINT IN THE SEASON basketball! It's fun! We have four of the best 25 players in basketball on the same team and you know...FUCK IT WE'RE GONNA MAKE TONIGHT REALLY WEIRD FOR YOU. WHEEEEE!!!
Before the game, there was a big hullabaloo because Head Coach Gregg Popovich (aka THE GREATEST COACH OF ALL TIME THE ENTIRE NBA WANTS TO SUCK COMPLETELY DRY OF MAN MILK) troll'd the entire NBA sooo fucking hard by announcing that All Stars Tim Duncan, Manu Ginobli and Tony Parker would be flying home to rest after a 10-game road trip including 4 games in the last 5 nights. Why? Because FUCK YOU fans that paid $6,000 to sit on your hands and look really bored all game. Also, FUCK YOU to anyone betting on the over points-wise in this game because, yes, your knee caps are going to become a gelatinous mass of flesh. David Stern even issued a statement saying there would be 'substantial sanctions' against the Spurs for pulling the rug out from under what was supposed to be a matchup against two of the top teams in the NBA.
Pop's decision was met with hearty laughs by everyone with a rooting interest in this game because it was assumed the Heat would go JAMON on these guys and score 180 points but, lo and behold, the Heat's desire to actually give a single flying fuck immediately dissipated into methane gas as soon as the decision was announced.
For 45 minutes, the Heat looked around the couch, searched the car change compartment, looked in their box filled with family photos, took a trip out to that time capsule they dug into the ground by the old Miami Arena years ago, scratched their heads, and then remembered they had about a half fuck at best to use for the final 3 minutes against the Spurs' D-League team.
It wasn't until there were about 3 minutes left in the game that King Cobra Dick himself, LeBron James, rose like a Phoenix and said "FUCK DAT NOISE, WE WINNIN'." Miami finished the game with a 12-2 run that included a heavy dose of Cobra Dick as well as some timely Ray Allen clutch shooting that was needed again to close out a tight win. With 22.6 seconds left in the game, Allen (20 points on the night) pulled up for a 3 off a pass from LeBron that gave the Heat at 100-98 lead they would not give up again. LeBron led all scores with 23 points on 9-of-16 shooting.
Bosh was also effective in the game contributing 18 points and 12 rebounds as he continues to be sharp and focused in this early season. Wade, however, had a misleading 19 points on 7-of-17 shooting as something just ain't right with Wade yet. It's early in the season and, again, this is Dwyane Fucking Wade but his lack of lift and explosiveness is obvious. We struggle to say Wade has lost ANYTHING but we're hoping Wade gets some nights to rest up as the season wears on. We need him to be his usual badass self in May and June, not in November.
The Scrub Blowup season against the Heat continued as the San Antonio Diablos line-up featured monster games from benchwarmers Gary Neal (20 points), Tiago Splitter (18 points) and some guy with a last name that roughly translates to 'From Ass' with another 15 points. You read that right: guy with a last name one letter away from CULO had 15 points, 6 rebounds and 5 asssists on the World Champion Miami Heat. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Oh, when will the fucks return? And when will the Miami Heat give them?
The Miami Heat next take on the Brooklyn Nets again at home on Saturday, December 1. Tipoff is at 7:30pm. Bring your fucks.
Follow Miami New Times on Facebook and Twitter @MiamiNewTimes.
Get the Weekly Newsletter
Our weekly feature stories, movie reviews, calendar picks and more - minus the newsprint and sent directly to your inbox.