Heat Beat Celtics 120-107 in Season Opener, Receive Championship Rings
Aqui lo que importa es el CASH! Oh my, that is pretty. Isn't that pretty, Celtics/Knicks/Lakers fans? Look at that beautiful thing. How fuckin' glorious.
Your Miami Heat received these lovely, diamond-encrusted CHAMPIONSHIP rings last night just before their 120-107 dismantling of last year's Eastern Conference runner-up / team from Douchebag Nation USA, the Boston Celtics.
Ah, what a delicious night to be a Heat fan. Things started off at about 7:30 ET with the ring ceremony and raising of the 2012 Championship banner. No time for LOSERS, indeed.
After that INCREDIBLY CLASSY, EMOTIONALLY JARRING AND TOTALLY NOT SMUG-IN-ANY-WAY CEREMONY, the Heat proceeded to drop serious ass on the Celtics by unleashing unquenchable Hell fury upon the Celtics via steady doses of Wade, Bosh, new acquisition Ray Allen, a little Rashard Lewis and, of course, His Most Gracious and Impressive Master of the Royal Snake Penis, Sir CobraDick: LeBron James.
Like, ERRR MERR GERRR, dat looks like fun!
The Heat were nearly relentless on offense -- unleashing the full nastiness of their ever-evolving "Run 'n' Fun" offense with fast break testicular bludgeoning on turnovers, high-flying Kilimanjaro penile explosions on dunks and lethal additions from the Heat's suddenly-impressive bench that had Kevin Garnett wondering how long his alien race will require him to remain on Earth as part of his people's "experiment." (Because he looks like an old alien, you see.)
Some quick notes:
- LeBron COBRADICK James was his usual badass mothercow self until he was hampered by cramps late in the game, allowing the Celts to kind-of make a game of it late until they were slapped over the head by a multitude of Heat player male sexual organs. Sir Cobradick scored 26 points on a silky 10-15 shooting night, topping it off with 10 boards. Rumor has it that his entire Cobra Penis slithered around the AAA during an early TV timeout and that Burnie and the Bananaman both jumped on it for the ride of their lives whilst shooting T-shirt cannons into the 300 level. It's also been said that the Slithering Arena Cobra Dick cured cancer, lowered the nation's unemployment figure to below 3.0 percent and then drove several old Cuban grandmothers to the movies and back home before the TV timeout was over. It then quietly slithered back into LeBron's shorts and proceeded to disembowel the Celtics.
- When King James was out of the lineup, suddenly a bunch of 'oh shit!' moments began to creep up again with uncomfortable familiarity - until we remembered "OH SHIT DATS RIGHT WE GOT RAY ALLEN" as Jesus Shuttlesworth knocked down jumper after jumper after 3-pointer on his way to a 19-point debut for the Heat. Upon entering a game for the first time in a Heat uniform (to an American Airlines Arena standing ovation), Allen proceeded to make his way to the Celtics bench and hi-five several Celtics coaches and players. Except Kevin Garnett, who wanted nothing to do with Allen and ignored his salute. Awwww ... poor KG ... he's the poor, little sad boyfriend all miffed because his girl moved on to a younger, hotter, sexier dude. Sorry, three-pump-chump! DEM'S DA BREAKS!
- Dwyane Wade didn't seem totally 'right' yet from this summer's knee surgery and missed a number of easy shots he'd ordinarily finish, but he still racked up a game-high 29 points on 10-of-22 shooting. So, essentially, what might be a weird night of shooting for any other player is still a totally awesome, leading-all-scorers game for Wade.
- Ultimately, the Celts tried to roar back in the final moments, but that's when Chris Bosh went pre-historic on those Boston mothafuckas. Bosh had a total of 19 points in the game with 10 rebounds and 3 blocks but it was his inspired play in the last couple of minutes that sealed the victory. With 2:09 left to go after an 11-2 run by the Celtics to narrow the Miami lead down to 4, Bosh scored the next 7 points to put the game out of reach, dropping smooth lefty J's and throwing down monstrous DINO DUNKS to send the Celtics home.
- Worth mentioning: Rashard Lewis' 10 points. He played more minutes than anyone could have anticipated, but given the James injury, those 10 points came at a crucial moment when the Celts were trying to make a run. After a forgettable 2011 season, it's absolutely fantastic, ass-shakin' news to have a former All Star than can rain down buckets of threes sitting on the bench in case we need him.
- Given the final score, it's safe to say that defense -- traditionally a hallmark of both these teams -- was not really much of a factor in this game and it's something the Heat will certainly improve on in the coming weeks and months. So, not much to worry about there with these All-Star-Game-like scores considering all the offensive firepower we had.
- Rajon Rondo is still an insufferable little prick that looks like a grasshopper's face.
Your World Champion Miami Heat next take on the hated New York Knicks at Madison Square Garden at 8 p.m. on Friday night.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Miami New Times' biggest stories.