Heat Are Eastern Conference Champions, Will Face Oklahoma City in NBA Finals
After blowing up the Boston Celtics Big Three Era (for the second straight season) in last night's 101-88 Game 7 triumph, the Miami Heat are headed to their second-straight NBA Finals.
The Big Three known as LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Bosh scored Miami's final 31 points, including all 28 points in the fourth quarter, finally smiting the Celtics and causing everyone in Miami to honk their horns and bang on pots and pans.
Tits and cotton candy, everybody!
We all know that LeBron James is the biggest, meanest, most crotch-hammering ferocious badass mother cow on the planet. And last night, he again unleashed the fury of the Cobradick on the Celtics and their fans. Following up on his Game 6 Boston Tea Baggin Party, LeBron went on to score 31 points in Game 7. He also grabbed 12 rebounds on a 9-for-21 performance coming just two nights after he cleaved the earth with his massive dong in Game 6.
But last night was also -- FINALLY!!!! -- about his teammates coming through.
After turning the ball over a shitton of times in the first half with some sloppy un-D-Wade-like play, Wade came through in the second half with his patented pull up J that gave the Heat their first lead of the game. And then, just like that, MV3 was back, hitting jumpers, slashing to the hole, and slamming the Celtics' collective dicks in the car door with a 23-point, 6 rebound, 6-assist night.
And then there was the unbridled awesomeness that is one Christopher Wesson Bosh.
After missing the entire Pacers series with a stained ab injury, and hobbling through some rustiness in the last couple of games in these Eastern Conference Finals, Bosh was the player of Game 7. Without Chris Bosh and his silky smooooove jumpers, including his back-breaking, soul-crushing three-pointers, we are an entire city of angst and sadness this morning, looking for bath salts to ingest to soothe the fervent and vigorous pain in our wrecked hearts and souls.
We've been saying to anyone who would listen since forever: Chris Bosh is the key to the Heat being serious ball-smashers in any hunt for a title. The value of a 6-foot-11 dude who can hit jumpers at a consistent clip is immeasurable. Let alone one who is half-man, half-velociraptor. Bosh was able to pull Boston's bigs away from the paint with his shot, opening lanes for LeBron and Wade to slash and explode to the basket, leaving Boston defenders smoldering in their wake in a state of frozen ash death poses like the victims of Pompeii.
With LeBron, Wade and Bosh on the floor, the Heat outscored Boston by 21 points.
The conclusion from all this is simple math: When the Big Three are all in BLOW UP PEOPLE'S ASSHOLES mode at the same time, people's assholes get blowed up.
But the Heat also got help from non-Big Three dudes as well.
Shane Battier, who had been mostly catatonic throughout this series, contributed 12 points, hitting timely threes, playing stellar defense and explaining to Paul Pierce how the vacillations of his jumpers are inversely proportional to their wavelength, particularly in Miami, while also speaking trash to doubters like Magic Johnson, who recently questioned the Heat's desire to play as a team.
"The truest thing you always have to remember in sports -- as a writer, as a journalist -- the further you get away from the game, the easier the game is." (This is an actual Battier quote. Sometimes the jokes write themselves, people).
Mario Chalmers also came up big when needed, scoring 9 points for Miami. Chalmers was able to score a couple of buckets in transition, cutting through the paint and creating layups for himself, before running back on defense and getting yelled at by LeBron James.
LeBron had been carrying this Heat team throughout most of these playoffs, whipping Celtic balls all over the place all by his lonesome while stabbing his cock into the Haterz's collective ocular cavity and cementing his place among the all-time greats. But last night, any and all Heat players not named LeBron combined to score 70 points, shooting 55 percent, grabbing rebounds at an insane clip, and wrecking Celtic ass with the power of teamwork and friendship!
But it was LeBron James' 30-foot three point shot with just under six minutes remaining and the shot clock dwindling that ultimately obliterated the Boston Celtics' hopes and dreams of returning to the NBA Finals in a ball of noxious fumes and napalm dust released from his giant clutch cock.
The rest was icing on the proverbial boobies-shaped cake.
Doc Rivers pulled his starters from the floor and the American Airlines Arena was a-rockin as it had been all night (well done, Miami fans!!!!).
The buzzer went off, Kevin Garnett walked away sulking like an asshole, the screens flashed MIAMI HEAT 2012 EASTERN CONFERENCE CHAMPIONS, hats were distributed, Micky Arison got a trophy, Alonzo Mourning scowled at the fans for booing the Celtics (funniest moment of the evening), and all the Haterz across America were served a nice heaping double-decker dick sandwich with all the fixin's, with a pickled dick on the side.
And, sure, as cool as it is to silence the critics and finally demolish the Celtics' Big Three era, and watch LeBron morph into the greatest player alive right before our eyes, there's still bigger cows to tip, slaughter, and roast over a spit.
The Heat will have their hands full against the Oklahoma City Thunder. The Heat will be underdogs. And all of America will suddenly become Thunder fans.
But it's all good.
As long as Cobradick, MV3 and VelociBosh are on the floor, you have to like our chances.
Now let's everybody dance!
Game 1 of the NBA Finals is on Tuesday at Oklahoma City. Tipoff is at 9 p.m.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you'll never miss Miami New Times' biggest stories.