Hassan Whiteside's Astounding Triple-Double Forced NBA2K to Raise His Rating

Hassan Whiteside's Astounding Triple-Double Forced NBA2K to Raise His Rating
via @AIR305

Hassan Whiteside made the Chicago Bulls pay the price for his low NBA2K ratings, and now they are all dead. There are no longer any Chicago Bulls; sorry 'bout it, PETA. Chicago has also vanished. Tough break, Obama.

After taking five business days to get his sprained ankle right, Whiteside rose on the Sabbath to give the entire Chicago Bulls team the business end of a 14-point, 13-rebound, NBA-season-high-Heat-franchise-record-12-block 96-84 win. After the game, Whiteside had quite an answer as to why he Ctrl-Alt-Deleted the entire city of Chicago.

In his defense, when you want your NBA2K rating to rise, there really are few options at your disposal. You're pretty much painted into a corner, and your only route to a satisfactory rating is to completely "187" the entire ass of the team that stands between you and said score. No jury would convict Whiteside.

You might be thinking, LOL, one game won't change his NBA2K ratings. Hassan Whiteside committed multiple murders for no reason! To that I say, NOPE! SHIT GOT DONE! DEMANDS. MET. Hassan Whiteside straight-up slapped it on the table; then the people over at 2K drove their happy asses to the NBA2K offices, put on their headsets, and starting hitting those computer keys like they owed them money.

This dude said "within 24 hours," but I feel like "Ronnie 2K" isn't fully grasping the gravity and severity of this situation -- the people of Milwaukee are depending on you, Ronnie. The Heat plays the Bucks Tuesday. For their sake, I hope Ronnie has a lot of Red Bulls on hand.

Let's go back to Whiteside's stat line from last night, though, which is being referred to as a "Triple-Dozen." That might sound like something you can order for your entire office at Dunkin' Donuts but is actually a real thing Hassan Whiteside did to an NBA box score.

In just 25 minutes of professional basketball, Hassan Whiteside deleted the following things from existence: Oprah and her book club and deep-dish pizza, which is no longer a recipe you can make. Congratulations, New York, you won. There is no more wind, that is unless it's a gust of air created by a Whiteside block.

Mustaches are all gone; they magically disappeared, like the people in the show The Leftovers. The only Chicago dogs left are literal dogs that lived in Chicago and somehow boarded the Miami Heat plane before takeoff. Mike Ditka, in an attempt to escape the purge, changed his name to "Mike Vagina." The Cubs never won the World Series. It's over. Their time is up. It didn't happen.

Below are some of Whiteside's blocks that caused this carnage. Consider this your warning: These vines and highlights belong on Live Leak, but you decide what your stomach can handle. If you or a loved one is from Chicago, you will never be able to go back to this place -- it looked nice on TV and in the movies.

Follow Miami New Times on Facebook and Twitter @MiamiNewTimes.


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