Hard Knocks, Episode Five: The Bachelorette Looks Like American Gladiators By Comparison
Cheer up, third-round pick/emo perpetually sad-faced tight end/ likely-illustrator-of-fantastical-scenes-involving-dragons-and-Asian-counterculture-anti-heros-during-team-film-sessions / wouldn't-make-any-other-team's-53-man-roster-except-the-piece-of-shit-Jets Michael Egnew - HBO's Hard Knocks featuring your Miami Dolphins has officially ended!
Of course, it ended with a final-cut heavy episode full of enough tears to make a 3 a.m. Lifetime Network cameo sandwiched between Ghost and Steel Magnolias.
I know! It's really sad! :(
As is customary with all Hard Knocks finales, much of the action centered around final cuts down to the regular season 53-man roster. HBO featured guys like Jarrell Root, Isaako Aaitui and other dudes whose names sound like Star Wars characters as they fought tooth-and-nail to make the Dolphins regular season squad. This is the show's attempt at DRAMA because what we obviously all desire more than a competitive professional football team is to watch endearing, heart-warming stories of the Every Man overcoming adversity and attaining the American Dream. And how better to delineate these monumental decisions that affect a young man's life than to have Jeff Ireland awkwardly mumble his way through every roster decapitation?
Let's squeeze out the last remaining highlights:
-- There was an extended feature on Chad Johnson, a guy who physically assaulted his girlfriend and was cut by the team early in the preseason. Why? Because he still makes for a more entertaining storyline than about 97 percent of the players (why Richie Incognito was not featured more often is beyond me). As commentary by Johnson was interspersed between footage of him working out on the beach, in a gym, boxing, crawling around in the sand, and hanging out in the water, you get the feeling that even he knows it's over for him. There's nothing left in the tank and whether or not he makes for good copy is irrelevant. Even when someone off-camera asks him 'What will they get?' (for the team that decides to take a chance on him) and Johnson replies, "Chad Johnson. That fucker's good," it's already like he's speaking in the past tense about somebody else.
-- This was probably the episode where Philbin seemed most likeable and capable. Coupled with the fact that Philbin seems increasingly at odds with Jeff Ireland over personnel decisions (for instance, Ireland pushes for WR Clyde Gates to stay on while Philbin is shocked by what a 'neophyte route runner' he is), he gets a temporary pass until we see what he can do as a head coach with the enormous pile of water buffalo feces Ireland has assembled for him.
-- Again, fuck you Jeff Ireland. He's scummy and oily and he probably smells terrible and he's the personification of "middle management." I don't doubt that Parcells brought him along with him in the first place because he KNEW he could easily exert control over someone so clearly clueless and would never have to worry about Ireland surpassing his credibility or showing any football acumen whatsoever. I'd rather watch Hitler and Stalin blowing kisses to each other on a seesaw for 15 hours straight than endure any more footage of Ireland "General Managing."
-- Speaking of things that are unbearable to watch, a large chunk of the program was dedicated to the team's wide receiver problem, with Philbin even declaring at one point that "you could make a case to get rid of them all." This is true because our wide receivers have platypus dildos for hands. So, Roberto Wallace -- he of the "looks-like-Brandon-Marshall-plays-like-Penny-Marshall" -- is garbage. Chris "7-11" Hogan is practice squad material AT BEST. Gates -- a fourth round pick that Ireland himself chose (I think, right? Or do we also blame that one on Parcells even though he wasn't around?) -- is COCKPUNCHED. All that's left is Marlon Moore, a guy who can contribute on special teams but has been fantastically unspectacular in his 37 years on the Dolphins practice squad before this season. So, yeah. WE'RE FUCKED.
-- Pat Devlin got some nice camera time and, truth is, he and fullback Jovorskie Lane have actually been two of the more surprising and developing players all camp. Lane seems to effortlessly bulldoze the shit out of any defender trying to make an open-field tackle on him while Devlin has shown a quick release and some quick decision-making in limited action against second and third teamers. POSITIVE DOLPHINS STUFF!! NYAAA!
-- Ironically, David Garrard was shown in a pool working to get better from the injury he sustained from being in a pool. Aaaaah. THESE ARE THE SAME PEOPLE THAT BROUGHT YOU THE WIRE, PEOPLE! Context!
-- Oh yeah, David Garrard was cut yesterday because a) nobody wanted to trade for either him or Matt Moore as they are both rather shitty and b) we already paid him $1 million so we figured we'd cut him before the Saturday deadline.
In all, the entire Hard Knocks experience was fun for any Dolphins fan and was a cool chance to see the inner workings involved with our favorite team, especially given the Fort Knox-secrecy they've employed over the last few years. Unfortunately, what those 'inner workings' revealed is that Jeff Ireland is a heaping pile of rotting baboon ass. About 72 of them. All rotting for days on end with nary a single maggot's interest in scavenging its remains. Because he is so disgusting and wretched, you see.
Our Miami Dolphins kick off the 2012 regular season against the Houston Texans on Sunday at 1 p.m. Oddly enough, we've never beaten these assholes. Go Dolphins.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Miami New Times' biggest stories.