Game Two of the NBA Playoffs: Miami Heat vs. Boston Celtics: Epic Fail

In a game that could only described as "refried ass, " the Miami Heat were walloped by the Boston Celtics 106-77 in last night's game two of the first round NBA Playoffs. The Heat managed to keep things close in the first quarter, rebounding after a slow start and even managing to take the lead for a brief time.

This prompted TNT to send their sideline reporter to interview Erik Spoelstra at the end of the first quarter. The coach was asked how his team was responding so far after their game one meltdown and eventual loss. "Our focus is better than the other night," Spoelstra answered.

And then the second quarter began, and the proverbial shit hit the proverbial fan, and it ricocheted into our bean dip.

What ensued was an avalanche of the most horrendous display of offensive futility by one team that anyone can ever hope to witness. Even without Kevin Garnett - who was unfairly suspended for last night's game after Quentin Richardson attacked his elbow with his face in game one - the Celtics had no problem completely emasculating the Heat, led by Ray Allen's seven three-pointers and Glen "Big Baby" Davis's 23 points. That's right. The Heat got blown out in a playoff game at the hands of a guy with the same exact body type as the Pillsbury Doughboy.

It didn't help that Miami had dreadful offense. The Heat couldn't have

chosen a worst possible time to forget how to put a ball through a

cylinder, allowing Boston to go on an unheard of 21-0 run in the second


For his part, Dwayne Wade did what he could when he wasn't being

smothered by Boston's double and triple teams. At one point, Wade went

on a three-pointer barrage, knocking down five from downtown.

Unfortunately, the Heat were down by 30 at that point.

As for the rest of the team, well, let's just say the free agency

period cannot come soon enough. Because at the end of the day, when

you're counting on Carlos Arroyo, Jamaal Magloire, and Mario Chalmers

to help win a playoff series, you're pretty much screwed. The other

problem: Jermaine "I LOVE ME SOME FADEAWAY JUMPERS!" O'Neal and his two

points in 21 minutes.

So much for finishing off the regular season as "the hottest team in

the NBA." Whatever hot streak the Heat entered this series with has

been surgically extracted with a spoon, shoved into a meat grinder, run

over by Clydesdale horses and then set on fire. Total and complete

ineptitude. Now the Heat find themselves in an 0-2 hole with the series

heading back to Miami.

The team has asked fans to come to Friday

night's game three wearing black. How appropriate.

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