From the Desk of Patrick James Riley

Dear Chicago, please trade us Derrick Rose for Michael Beasley...Dear Memphis, please trade us O.J. Mayo for Michael Beasley...Dear New Jersey, please trade us Brook Lopez for Michael Beasley...Dear Minnesota, please trade us Kevin Love for Michael Beasley...Dear L.A. (no, the other L.A.), please trade us Eric Gordon for Michael...

By P. Scott Cunningham

May 5, 2009

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Dear Chicago, please trade us Derrick Rose for Michael Beasley...
Dear Memphis, please trade us O.J. Mayo for Michael Beasley...
Dear New Jersey, please trade us Brook Lopez for Michael Beasley...
Dear Minnesota, please trade us Kevin Love for Michael Beasley...
Dear L.A. (no, the other L.A.), please trade us Eric Gordon for Michael Beasley...
Dear Oklahoma, please trade us Russell Westbrook for Michael Beasley...
Dear Charlotte, please trade us D.J. Augustin for Michael Beasley...
Dear Sacramento, please trade us Jason Thompson for Michael Beasley...
Dear Orlando, please trade us Courtney Lee for Michael Beasley...

Dear San Antonio, please trade us George Hill for Michael Beasley...
Dear Philadelphia, please trade us Marreese Speights for Michael Beasley...
Dear L.A. (again, the other one), please trade us DeAndre Jordon for Mario Chalmers...
Dear Milwaukee, please trade us Luc Richard Mbah a Moute for Mario Chalmers...
Dear Peoria, please trade us one year's supply of hair gel for Mario Chalmers...
Dear Isiah Thomas (Thompson?), please report to training camp...
Dear Alonzo Mourning, please inject adamantium onto your skeleton...
Dear Stan Van Gundy, I am taking over as head coach of the Orlando Magic...
Dear Barack Obama, please remit $80 billion to the Miami Heat organization...
Dear LeBron James, the $80 billion you requested has been transferred to your account...
Dear BALCO, please send anabolic steroids to Joel Anthony...
Dear Josh Smith, please review the enclosed brochure, "Why Miami Has the Best Strip Clubs in the World"...
Dear David Stern, please make the Miami Heat elibible for this year's NBA lottery...
Dear Michael J. Fox, please lend me your DeLorean DMC-12...
Dear Shaq, your ass tastes terrible...
Dear Lucifer, I have re-evaluated the offer you presented to me in New York...
Dear God, I hate losing...

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