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Four Keys to a Ghoulish Miami Dolphins Victory Tonight

Four Keys to a Ghoulish Miami Dolphins Victory Tonight

VLAAAH!!! Guess what???!!! You get an extra special, ghoulish and scaaaaary Dolphins game on Halloween!! Will you stay home from going to the Grove and looking at countless women in sexy costumes to "enjoy" the game??? PROBABLY NOT. But the friiiiiiightening Dolphins will still be playing a game against the team with the ugly Halloween helmets anywaaaaay!!!!!

So what are the harmless, innocent, four-game losing streak wittle Dolphins to do against the BIG BAD MEAN BENGALS GRRRRR??

Well, here's Four Keys to Trying to Avoid a fifth losing game in a row:

1. Cover This Dude Named A.J. Green

A.J. Green is the biggest and scariest Bengal on the team, little Dolphins. NOT EVEN THE BIG SCARY MEAN GINGER ANDY DALTON IS SO BAD. Nope. It's A.J. Green - and given how gimpy and/or ineffective our cornerbacks have been during this losing streak. Pro Football Focus ranks AJ Green 20th in WR Rating at 85.4 with 43 catches, 619 yards, 5 touchdowns and 4 interceptions in 74 targets and don't think the Dolphins have a way of making players on other teams better. So, yea, cover that guy and maybe keep your eye on the young tight end from Notre Dame while you're at it!

 

2. Get Yer Shit Together, Offense

Reports coming out of Miami are saying that the Dolphins players are boo-hooing Mike Sherman's offensive choices as of late. Yes, the Dolphins are excellent in the Red Zone but we've been crying like crazy around here for weeks now for the Dolphins to run the ball more but MIKE SHERMAN AIN'T CARE. Nah, Mike Sherman is going to use this lead to give the ball back to Tom Brady as many times as he can with what's left of this game here! Nyaah!

3. Buck Up on Defense, Boys!

The Bengals currently have the 9th-ranked offense so the likelihood of an unhealthy amount of vaginal bleeding coming out of the Dolphins is very, very high. HOWEVER, this is a Thursday night game and as anyone can tell you that watches these traditionally boring, offensively-inept, poor excuses for a professional football game created solely for the purpose of increasing the NFL's 'brand' and monopolizing more ad revenue / your weekly minds - they generally fucking suck! So, the Dolphins at home (road teams have an about 36% chance of winning Thursday night games according to this study from last year) have an opportunity to essentially save the season with a win tonight. The team is mostly healthy so there's actually sound scientific reasoning suggesting they can actually accomplish this.

4. Pray That Caleb Sturgis is Not Broken

The kid with the big leg came in and was an instant star beginning in the preseason - he of the booming kicks into the back of the endzone and perfection through the first 4 games. Suddenly, though, it seems we have broken Sturgis. He's 4-of-8 in his last 3 games including 2 costly misses against the Patriots that seemed to turn the tide. Sturgis will need to be on-point for Thursday night's game given the usual shitty offensive output on short weeks for these NFL teams and the fact the Cincy defense is very, very good so points will be at a premium. Hopefully the ending will not be.....deadly for our season!

BUUUAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

(cough..cough..cough)

The Dolphins take on the Bengals tonight at Sun Life. Kickoff is at 8:25 p.m.

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