Florida Woman Tries to Hire Hit Man to Kill Homeless Guy Who Gave Her Grandkids Lice
Illustration by Alvaro Diaz-Rubio
A lot of weird things happen in Florida every week. On Fridays, we're here to round up the weirdest. This week: some not-so-nice lice vice; men who really, really like shoes; the mystery of Maryland Fried Chicken; and, ugh, George Zimmerman somehow becoming even more terrible.
Homeless Guy Gives Kids Lice, Grandma Hires Hit Man to Have Guy Killed
Before we get into the facts of this incident, let's just imagine it for a moment as some sort of weird Florida film noir:
Femme Fatale: I have a problem only a skilled fellow like you can handle. It's lice.
Hit Man: Lies? Who's been lying to you, ma'am?
Femme Fatale: No, lice. Lice! The little bugs that run around in your hair.
Hit Man: Ma'am, I'm not running no Walgreens here. You might have misunderstood what I meant when I said I "nix" people.
Femme Fatale: Oh, no, I know exactly what you meant. A man gave those bugs to my grandkids, and I need him dead.
Hit Man: This is a head-scratcher, but I think I finally follow.
Femme Fatale: Nice. Now, what's the price to put the lice man on ice?
Of course, what actually happens is slightly more complicated and somehow even weirder. Pamela Vanorsdale, 50, of New Smyrna Beach, recently learned that her daughter is dating a 22-year-old homeless man named Dylan Loveless, and she didn't like the way the man was treating her daughter's kids. According to the Daytona Beach News-Journal, giving the children lice was the final straw after he teased the kids, choked one of them, and chased another, nonrelated child with dogs while making sexual comments in front of one of the grandchildren.
So Vanorsdale went to her ex-son-in-law and the children's father, Daniel Dionne (all of these names really do sound like they could be in a film noir, by the way), and tried to order a hit on Loveless. Vanorsdale told Dionne she could set him up with a handgun and two rounds of ammunition and suggested he could dump the body in South Carolina.
Dionne, however, decided to tip off the police. Vanorsdale told investigators she was merely joking, but the details Dionne supplied sounded quite in-depth. Vanorsdale's husband also handed over the gun she planned to give to Dionne. She's now being held on $25,000 bond.
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Teen Brags About $170 Sneakers, Friends Promptly Steal Them
Does anyone else remember that very special episode of Family Matters when Laura's jacket stolen is by a girl gang and she thinks about buying a gun to protect herself, but before she does, one of the gang members shoots another one over some sneakers? Ostensibly, it was about the dangers of gun violence and gangs. That's what Urkel rapped about at the end anyway. Mostly, though, I remember it as a coded warning against material greed and the follies of chasing after status symbols in our capitalist society. So whenever I hear about people getting into legal trouble over fancy sneakers, I can only think, If only they would think a bit more about what Urkel was really rapping about.
According to the South Florida Sun-Sentinel, an unnamed West Palm Beach teen had just gotten himself a pair of $170 Air Jordans, and he decided to show them off to his slightly older friends when they drove by his house. The teen went inside to retrieve the shoes and then handed them to the 18-year-olds in the car for a closer look. Instead, the men began to drive away, but the teen managed to jump into the car before they took off. He begged them to give him his shoes back, but the men said that unless he got out of the car and left his shoes and his cell phone, they would shoot him. The men put a pillow case around the teen's head, beat him up, and then dropped him off in a canal.
Of course, the problem was that the victim obviously knew the suspects and went to police with their identities. Michael Kelly and Christopher Hernandez were both arrested. The third man in the car, however, was not arrested.
Maryland Fried Chicken Selfie Goes Wrong
First of all, did you know there's a restaurant chain called Maryland Fried Chicken? Did you know none of the locations is actually in Maryland? The guys who started it aren't even from Maryland. It's not even clear if the fried chicken even contains Maryland's trademark Old Bay seasoning. It's all very strange, so perhaps unsurprisingly, a location attracted some strange things.
Two Vero Beach police officers were walking around on duty near an MFC (do they call the restaurants MFC? I'm not sure. Sounds like an abbreviation for a string of curse words, so let's just use it!) when they heard a voice call through the night: "I am so messed-up right now."
As it turns out, that voice was coming from the roof of the MFC. According to Off the Beat, Andy Maza, 21, and Tyler Scott, 19, tried to scurry down, but the officers caught them. The young men tried to explain they merely thought it would be a cool idea to take a picture from atop the Maryland Fried Chicken. Police found LSD, MDMA, and cocaine on Maza, but he said the cocaine wasn't his while admitting to owning the other two drugs. In addition to Maza's drug charges, both men were arrested on charges of trespassing and loitering/prowling.
George Zimmerman Has Twitter Account, Remains Horrible
Yes, this account seems to be legit, as Zimmerman has posted recent-seeming selfies on it. But honestly, we're just gonna let Salon handle this one if you're interested in thinking more about how terrible this terrible tweet is.
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