Five Ways to Abuse Obamacare
Last Thursday, Supreme Court Justice John Roberts tore off his black robe to reveal a dashiki and bongos. At least, that's how conservatives are portraying the George W. Bush-appointed judge's tie-breaking decision to rule President Barack Obama's health-care mandate constitutional.
The upshot: Young folks will have to pay for health care whether they think they need it or not. So we urge South Florida's Young Invincibles — which sounds like a band that would play at Churchill's — to do even more foolhardy shit than usual. Hey, what's an exploded femur if Uncle Sam is picking up the check? Here are a few suggestions for SCOTUS-insured activities:
Bath salts parkour: This is truly dangerous only for television news reporters who, upon hearing that their two favorite "underground" trends have been combined, will suffer spontaneous head explosions.
Driving the 95 Express lanes in a 1985 Cutlass: Have you ever seen people whose cars have broken down on the narrow and horrifying "Lexus lanes"? They have the same expression as rabbits right before the eagle talons get them. And they just paid $6 for the experience.
Burglarizing Marc Sarnoff's house: The Miami commissioner has bragged about owning ten guns, which we're pretty sure is a Notorious B.I.G. lyric.
Lying on the beach without sunblock: 'Cause you'll get run over by a police ATV, of course.
Kitesurfing during tropical storms: Huh? Young people really do that already? Well, that's just moronic.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Miami New Times' biggest stories.