Judd Apatow's newest comedy Trainwreck — starring Amy Schumer, Bill Hader, and LeBron James — hits theaters this Friday. You should not go see it. Nobody you know should go see it. It's not what it seems. I will explain.
LeBron is getting a lot of positive feedback from critics who have watched the film. Fans who have taken in the trailer seem to be surprised by how comfortable he looks acting. It would make sense that LeBron would be such a is a fast learner on set — it's well documented he's one of the smartest star athletes we've ever seen. He's so smart in fact, that he recognized hiding subtle shots at Miami in Trainwreck would be the perfect crime. It's all a setup. We've been bamboozled. It's just another perfectly calculated move by LeBron and his public relations team, who once again have everyone but Miami fooled.
Think of Trainwreck as a money-laundering front; it's basically Walter White's A1 car wash in Breaking Bad. He thought Miami wouldn't notice, oh, but we did.
Here are five examples of how LeBron James has used Trainwreck to troll Miami. You got scooped, Outside The Lines.
It is no coincidence that LeBron's fake hair is the color of Cuban espresso in this film. #StayWoke
I picked up this Easter egg the first time LeBron dropped it in the trailer. Quite frankly, I'm surprised more people aren't talking about this. LeBron is straight up mocking Miami with this hair of his in Trainwreck. LeBron James is not human — this much has been established — but who is buying his Heroes power is he can grow hair on demand this color? No matter what LeBron's barber says, something is happening on LeBron's head. This something is a direct shot at the city of Miami, and more specifically, the Cuban community that resides there. This is like Ozzie Guillen all over again.
Are you comfortable supporting a film that mocks Miami's Cuban community? This is a talk everyone in Miami should have with their families before they see this film.
Miami should sue LeBron for joking in this film that there is no difference between Cleveland and Miami.
Somewhere in Miami there is a little boy who once upon a time looked up to LeBron but now feels betrayed. He says there is nothing special about him. We shouldn't stand for this sort of slander, and, in my opinion, there should be a heavy class-action lawsuit coming. There could be tourists out there that put so much stock in LeBron James' opinion that they take his word for it and book a vacation to Cleveland instead of Miami. That could cost our city millions, maybe billions, of tourism dollars. Each dollar lost because of LeBron's irresponsible joke is a dollar lost for the City of Miami's school system, or theoretically, even the homeless. We just don't know how hard this could hit us.
This Funny or Die skit is totally referring to the reasons he left the Miami Heat
Oh, look at this. LeBron accomplished something he's never done before, so now he thinks he can just do it all by himself! The first movie was just like his film school, you guys! He's got it from here!
In the Funny or Die clip LeBron jokes about right away killing off Bill Hader's character in the sequel, and taking over directing and producing duties from Judd Apatow for Trainwreck 2. For those of you scoring at home, this is an obvious shot at the Miami Heat. LeBron is saying he wanted to kill off a now-useless ex-best friend (Dwyane Wade), then take over the role of putting all the pieces together going forward (Pat Riley) — it's fairly obvious that's what is happening here.
Once again LeBron mocks us with his passive-aggressive behavior. We must refuse to sit in a movie theater with hundreds of Heat fans that have no idea LeBron is making fun of them. In support of Pat Riley, I must be the whistleblower here. Everyone should know the true meaning behind this tasteless video.
You're a sick person, LeBron James.
LeBron went on Jimmy Fallon to promote Trainwreck wearing a damn Juice Spot shirt. JUICE SPOT! SHIRT!
You gotta be kidding me! LeBron has a zillion dollars, but he goes on Fallon wearing a free shirt from his wife's overpriced Miami store. Wake up, people! LeBron is clearly using some sort of hypnosis here to subliminally induce you into wanting a greek yogurt-granola bowl and kale-pineapple power smoothie. I feel violated, personally. Seems like a HIPAA violation.
LeBron is basically wearing Miami apparel, but this time he's playing with trash. He's calling the Miami Heat trash. He's calling you trash, Heat fans. He's also saying when he must handle trash, his uniform is a Juice Spot shirt. I would be wary of what that means. I personally would connect the dots on that one.
LeBron — who is never injured — is somehow best friends with a sports surgeon in this movie. Hmmm.
Let's just talk about the big-pink-muscular-athletic elephant in the room here: how is LeBron such good friends with a sports doctor if he's never hurt? How does one just strike up such a tight relationship built on trust with a surgeon when they've never needed their services?
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I think we know who LeBron was chilling with on that "vacation" he took in Miami this season.
In the film LeBron hates that Hader's character won't visit him in Cleveland, but he jumps at the chance of visiting him in Miami. Early on last season LeBron looked more like Chris Rock than himself, but suddenly, after some time off in Miami, came back looking like the LeBron everyone recognizes. I call horseshit.
It's obvious — when you connect the dots — LeBron is admitting to PED use in this film, and he's telling you Miami is the place he meets his dealer, Hader.
I rest my case. It's obvious LeBron James concocted this elaborate plan to troll the city of Miami via Easter eggs hidden within a Hollywood blockbuster film.