Miami may be the Magic City, but it's no Disney World. We're not very good at being good. Half the town is rooting for an old man in Cuba to kick the bucket, while the other half has a frozen grimace from too much Botox and collagen.
So it's no surprise that after his move to Miami, Heat star LeBron James is now deemed the sixth most hated athlete in the nation. Hell, we say roll with it. That goody-two-shoes shit won't work here anyway. So in honor of all that's nefarious, here are five ways LeBron can get on with his bad self.
5. New city, new image. It starts with the name: "The King" just won't cut it anymore — too benevolent. We suggest "Jefe Jaime," a nod to all the Latin American strongmen who've ended up in our beloved, corrupt city. And no more suits and ties or old-man beard either. Jefe's new outfit should be all-black, with a bleach-blond goatee as the exclamation point. Maybe a Capt. Jack Sparrow bead or two for bad measure.
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4. Ditch the friends. LeBron is famous for keeping the same group of homies since high school. It's time to burn those bridges, baby! Instead, why not hang out with Miami's most despicable, beginning with hip-hop producer Scott Storch? Nothing says ego like a sports star with a rap album.
3. Trade in the girlfriend. Every strong man needs an equally evil woman by his side. LeBron's longtime sweetheart, Savannah Brinson, is way too nice for the role. How about Kim Kardashian? She's already dated Heisman-cheater Reggie Bush. Plus she looks like she could swing a mean whip.
2. Bachelor pad. With or without Kardashian, Jefe Jaime will need some new digs. The run-of-the-mill secluded mansion just won't fit his scandalous profile. He should buy out the top of the Icon Brickell downtown. Import some models, a little pregame pep dust, and — presto! — one lecherous lair.
1. Twitter trash-talk. No more Mr. Nice Guy tweets like last week's "Mike Vick was amazing! Happy for him. Making his 2nd chance count." Hell, no. Jefe Jaime tweet-taunts during games: "LOL, I just dunked in Shaq's face!"