Five Ways LeBron Could Restage "the Decision" but Make It Work This Time
Heat fans are on pins and needles this week, hoping LeBron James ultimately decides once again his best choice is to take his talents to 601 Biscayne Blvd. Yesterday was the fourth anniversary of the first LeBron James "Decision," and unlike this year, the 2010 Decision came with a capital "D" for "Dumb." The ESPN special was an instant disaster, met with almost universal disgust from those who thought just about every aspect of it was uncalled for and/or unnecessary. Thankfully, two NBA championships and two MVP awards later, LeBron's choice of team itself seems to have proven to been a wise one.
The first Decision was an epic fail. If given a do-over, the best choice would be not to do it, but because it did happen, how could it have avoided being such a jump-off point for LeBron hate? I have some ideas in case LeBron goes insane and decides to stage a second round.
Replace the kids with puppies.
LeBron's camp obviously didn't think this thing through. The kids were a terrible idea because LeBron and company knew in advance they would be choosing the Miami Heat, meaning there was a terrific possibility the faces on these probably-Cavs-fans-kids would be similar to that of a kid who was just told their dad lost his job so they have to sell the house. Yup, that happened, and it was superawkward. Everyone loves kids, but what they hate just as much as they love kids is seeing kids sad. This is where the puppies come in. My wife could tell me she wanted a divorce, but if she unleased a litter of 6-week-old puppies afterward, it would totally emotionally confuse me. On one hand, you got divorce, but on the other hand, you got tiny puppy tongues licking your shins. That's some seriously conflicting shit, man.
LeBron says he's taking his talents to South Beach, puppies, Sports Center jingle, nobody would even realize what the hell just happened.
Out with the creepy Jim Gray, in with the Stuart Scott.
Jim Gray is the guy you don't want to see get on your elevator. Stuart Scott is the neighbor who knocks on your door to ask if your son wants to shoot some hoops with him and his kids. Jim Gray looked like Chris Hanson, and LeBron James looked like the guy not drinking the iced tea during the Decision. Stuart Scott would have joked around, kept things light, and probably worked in some 90's hip-hop lines like "Yo, LeBron, you've been doing it and doing it and doing it well! I like the way you work it, no diggity!" Jim Gray sat LeBron down like a dad asking what LeBron intended to do with his daughter on their first date. Stuart Scott would have been high-fiving him, asking what they did on the date.
Replace the picnic shirt with a suit.
You're about to sign a contract for $109 million -- probably wanna break out a suit for that one. Believe me, I get it, suits suck, but if you're going to do this all on television, wearing a suit seems like a given. LeBron's style has changed a lot in the past four years with Miami; it seems Dwyane Wade has rubbed off on him a little in that regard. Normally I would say Dwyane Wade's style rubbing off on you is a bad thing, but mannn, LeBron was wearing Cosby sweaters before he came to Miami.
Forget ESPN; cut out the middleman and put it online.
The Decision was watched by 10 million people, roughly 1 million fewer than the NFL Pro Bowl in 2010, so why not just post it on your own site and have your megabillion-dollar sponsors pay for ad time and clicks? The Decision made $3 million for the Boys and Girls Clubs, and I have to imagine posting the video this way and collecting all the profit would have made more. Also, if LeBron took my advice and wore a suit, he could cover the suit in sponsors like they do with the race cars in NASCAR. It would be for the kids -- and the puppies. Don't forget the puppies.
Get to it already; cut the BS.
The original Decision was so unbearable mainly because of the buildup. What should have taken five minutes took an hour. Jim Gray even stalled at the very end by asking LeBron if he still has a nail-biting habit. Get in and get out. If you want to talk about what the actual decision was afterward with touch-screens and cap specialists, cool, at least people can get on with their lives knowing the answer. Hell, after he picked Miami, LeBron could have had Pitbull perform -- it would have been better received than the constant commercials and verbal grab-ass the original special had.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Miami New Times' biggest stories.
- Marco Rubio on Cecil The Lion: 'But What About Abortion?'
Sun., Aug. 2, 1:05pm
Tue., Aug. 4, 6:35pm
Wed., Aug. 5, 6:35pm
Thu., Aug. 6, 6:35pm
- Dolphins Bring Back Old Logo and Throwback Uniforms for One Game
- Hillary Clinton to Speak at FIU on Friday (She's Just Not Sure If You're Invited or Not)