Bienvenidos a Miami, San Antonio Spurs. You got a lot of splainin' to do. You see, the rest of America may buy your convenient "Oh, the A/C just happened to break right at tip-off of game one of the NBA Finals, so weird, whoops!" but not us in the Magic City. Nope, Miamians are trained to sniff out a con. You can't bullshit a bullshitter, and we are onto you.
Now the Spurs are in Miami, not exactly a place famous for its forgiveness, so you know, anything could happen in game three tonight. I'm not saying anything bad should happen. I'm just saying, hey, weird stuff happens all the time, ya know?
Now before you get all bent out of shape and call these revenge plots classless, let me remind you that the Blazers found a rattlesnake in their visiting locker room in San Antonio this year. A FREAKING RATTLESNAKE! These people are ruthless. Snakes is too far, man.
So with that in mind, in preparation for tonight's game at the AmericanAirlines Arena, here are a few revenge scenarios the Miami Heat players should start kicking around if they indeed decide to go the eye-for-an-eye route.
1. Blast the same Pitbull song on a loop in the Spurs locker room until they admit the A/C problems were, in fact, not a mistake.
The United States forced terrorists to listen to Red Hot Chili Peppers on an endless loop until they gave them the information they were looking for. Same deal here, except we would kick it up a notch and use Pitbull. There are so many songs to choose from, but let's go off the board and use the new World Cup anthem. If Pitbull doesn't do the trick, around the thousandth time they hear the Jennifer Lopez verse they should fold.
2. Kidnap the Spurs mascot, "Coyote," Ace Ventura-style, and post pictures on Instagram of him in various locations around South Florida.
You wanna play dirty, San Antonio? We can go down that road, primo. This is a two-birds-one-stone mission right here, because this Coyote is a thing that is just not OK, and this is coming from a town that has a giant bird-shaped flame character with a green basketball as its nose as a mascot. It's all fun and games until the Miami Heat tweets a picture of your precious, acid-dropping Coyote doing lines off strippers at King of Diamonds.
3. Invite Eva Longoria to sing the National Anthem.
Yup, we are going there. You wanna mess with our best player? We're going straight for the heart of yours. Can Tony Parker's ex-wife sing? Probably not. Does it matter? Nope, because she won't be singing; we are just gonna trot her out there, then hit the lights, and spotlight Julia Dale in the upper deck to sing the anthem. Her embarrassment coupled with Tony Parker's confusion would be just the mental edge the Heat could use. When in doubt, bring ex-wives out of the woodwork. It's the perfect plan.
4. Give media credentials to Miami rapper Stitches; allow only Stitches into the Spurs locker room before the game.
Simple yet effective. No more mind games, San Antonio, because if there happens to be any more mind games, our little friend over there with the AK-47s tattooed on his face may have to get involved, and that's not good for anyone. Brick in yo' face, Popovich. Let's see you give your old-man curmudgeon interviews to this guy.
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5. Bench Mario Chalmers, in turn punishing the Spurs greatly.
Mario Chalmers has been some kind of bad in these playoffs, like, you almost have to try to be as bad as he's been as of late. Benching Chalmers for Norris Cole would skip the part of the game when Chalmers picks up two fouls early in the first quarter and starts fast breaks for the other team with his numb-nut turnovers, thus taking away a huge advantage San Antonio holds. It might be time to even the playing field.
Miami and San Antonio will play game three of the NBA Finals at the AmericanAirlines Arena tonight at 9. The series is tied 1-1.