Five Things Miamians Are So Thankful For
What an embarassment of riches the last year has been, huh? Yep, we're living the American dream down here in Miami. [Ducks stray bullet, which hits unemployed guy standing in line outside temp agency. He dies and foreclosure papers fall out of his pocket and flutter into the wind.] Those pilgrims would really be proud.
Pass the stray cat. Turkey? Why would we want to eat expensive turkey when we could eat this delicious roast feline?
Why are we so damn chipper this Thanksgiving? Maybe it's because we have so much to be thankful for. Here's five such wonderful items off the top of our ever-so-sincere head.
The infinite wisdom of Rick Scott. Handsome and smart? You spoil us, Guv! Ol' Ricky over here had the genius idea of rejecting, oh, I don't know 2.4 BILLION DOLLARS in rail funds from the federal government. Because Obama is a Muslim or something else that makes equal sense. It's cool, though-- since us Floridians are balling like Jay-Z and Kanye West in "Otis." What would any of us fat cats want with some free shit that would move us around the state all quick-like and give us thousands of jobs?
Pitbull's ubiquity. Oh, wow, you're a rapper who wears tuxedos with rakishly undone bowties? That's not ever going to get old! And you love Sprite? Even cooler! Please bombard us with your bland face, and do events at Fontainebleu and the Fairchild Botanical Garden and the science museum and on a blimp and on a ship and while swinging through the night sky on a shooting star whilst saying "Dale!" You don't represent the grim demise of hip-hop and music in general at all, why do you ask?
The calm order at Publix yesterday. How nice is it to grab a can of cranberry jelly without being attacked at the express check-out line by a mob of pharmaceutical-addled housewives wielding turning forks! What's that? My forehead is gushing blood? I'm sure it's just a scratch!
LeBron James' clutch play. Well, Lebron, you promised seven championship rings when you arrived here, and you're well on your way, bud! The unwavering leadership you showed in demolishing Dirk Nowitski had this whole city in tears-- of joy, naturally. And you handle all of your affairs with such dignity and grace! I'm sure this 2011-12 basketball season is going to be just as successful. Also, your mom is really a great civic addition to this city. What a peach she is!
That shiny new Marlins stadium. What's that you say? That glorified jai alai squad from Miami Gardens just got itself a taxpayer-funded convertible chromed-out playpen in Little Havana, courtesy of taxpayers? And the team made a transparent stab at getting some high-profile players with no actual plans to sign anybody not named Bonifacio! Splendid! Can I trade food stamps for season tickets? Say, how much will this stadium cost with interest? $2.6 billion? What a bargain! That's just a little bit more than Governor Scott wisely turned down. Honey, pass the electric meat saw, it may get a little bloody around here!