Five Terrible Things David Samson Actually Has Said on Tape
Yesterday, the Miami Marlins went full Deadspin, for all the most Deadspinny reasons. The story details a tip New Times had looked into last month — one that turned out to be to utter bullshit — that involved a brief, secret, and poorly recorded audio clip that supposedly caught David Samson saying some really offensive stuff about Dominicans. The tipster's story completely fell apart once we started reporting it, and the tip turned out to be bogus.
But the truth is, there's no need to invent audio of Samson saying stupid things. The Marlins president needs absolutely no help making a fool of himself on tape.
Recently, the Marlins' team president (above) gave another supposedly comic discourse on 790 The Ticket (WAXY-AM) that touched all the bases of women, sex and pornography. This isn't uncommon. In the past, he has "joked" of having Porn Night at the stadium. He's "joked" of having a sex toy in his car. He's "joked" which players looked like porn stars. (Do you see the thread here? And are you laughing yet?)
On this particular show, a male caller who said he otherwise enjoyed Samson's segment asked him to, "Please try not to be so derogatory toward women and lustful when you do the interview. I try to enjoy the show with my girl, and she's like, `Oh, that Dave Samson, he's a real creep.'"
"Don't be lecherous, Samson," show host Dan LeBatard said.
"I will try to be slightly less lecherous for his girlfriend," Samson said. "And if he would like to bring her to my office, we could definitely talk about my lechery."
On another show, he was asked, "in honor of Maurice Clarett," what would police find in his car if he were pulled over.
"I think there's two things that would potentially be found," he said. "First one is [former Playboy model and MTV VJ] Nina Blackwood."
He continued: "Second one would be some sort of Austin Powers-like device... Austin Powers had a device that made everyone coo and was given back to him when he was unfrozen, and that's the device that potentially is kept in the trunk of my car. That's all I'm saying."
The device to which he alluded, as the movie Web site said, is a "Swedish-made penis enlarger pump."
To which Samson asked Thursday: "Is it against the law to talk about penis enlarger pumps?
This all came on the heels of a conversation that involved giving ex-Marlins first baseman Logan Morrison advice on how to stay out of trouble on Twitter.
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"I don't have to hold back now that the stadium is built — not that I ever have," Samson said while addressing Miami's Beacon Council (and not realizing that anyone from the media was listening). "We're not the smartest people in Miami. If you're in this room, you're instantly in the top 1 percent."
Samson would go on to say he really didn't care if anyone came out to watch the Marlins in their then-brand-spanking-new ballpark — and why would he? He and his overlord, Jeffrey Loria, already have enough of Miami's money to live multiple lifetimes.
We get it, Marlins — your entire purpose of existence is to make money, but maybe don't go on HBO bragging about it right after you fleeced Dade County taxpayers out of more than a billion dollars. Samson went on Real Sports to remind everyone the Marlins are in it to make some cashola — they just also happen to own a Major League Baseball team.
Who can forget the time Samson bragged on national television that his "personal claim to fame" was getting local government in Miami to contribute more than $350 million to a new baseball park "during the recession." Eventually the joke would be on Samson; he was the first contestant bounced from the show, basically because it took his fellow cast members almost no time at all to realize what everyone in Miami has known for years — David Samson sucks.
Unfortunately for Miami, we can't simply extinguish his torch and send him away.
Remember the time the Marlins had the most embarrassing rain delay since the Dolphins had a game stopped by their own sprinkler system? That was David Samson — his bad!
“I tried to predict that a cloud would go north; it went south on top of our ballpark,” Samson told reporters afterward. “The roof closed as quickly as I could get it closed, short of me pushing it. So we had a 16-minute rain delay, which was the first at Marlins Park.”
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