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Five Sports Stories This Year So Bizarre They Must Have Happened in Miami

Two Orcs celebrate Lebron James losing out on his precious NBA championship ring.
Two Orcs celebrate Lebron James losing out on his precious NBA championship ring.

​2011 sucked for the average Miami

sports fan. The Big 3 and the Miami Heat were bitched-slapped by the

most annoying guest star on Entourage, a German white walker,

a Puerto Rican hobbit, and the most overrated sixth man in the NBA.

The Ex-Florida-Now-Miami Marlins continued to suck on the field and

in attendance while putting the finishing touches on the new ballpark amid a federal investigation. The Miami Dolphins are still the

poster boys for NFL mediocrity. And the Al Golden era over the

University of Miami football program kicked off with the Nevin

Shapiro scandal and ended with disappointing 6-6 record.

But this past year, there were far

more insane sports headlines involving only-in-South-Florida-twists. We've

highlighted the top five from 2011:

Lebron James' mom gets arrested.
​It was bad enough being the most reviled NBA player with an embarrassing, rapidly receding hairline. Then Gloria James had to go get hammered while partying it up at Miami Beach's Fontainebleau Hotel. The King's mum was arrested this past April 7 for simple battery and disorderly intoxication after a confrontation with a valet. According to the police report, James yelled profanities at the valet, including "where are my fucking keys," and struck the car parker with an open hand across his face - what is commonly known as the "pimp slap" -- according to the police report. At least Delonte West wasn't riding shotgun.

Dolphins fan gets knocked out.
Hey, we can understand if some folks are a little bitter about Miami's storied NFL franchise going from the only team to go undefeated during an entire season to an 0-7 laughingstock. And we can understand that sometimes you can ingest a little too much liquid courage during four quarters of football. But sucker-punching a loudmouth schnook? That's just low-class like your apartment in Allapattah, bro.

 

Marlins pitcher uses fake name.
​Seems anything involving the baseball club is a sham. Aside from the boondoggle stadium deal and crappy record, the Marlins also had to deal with one of their pitchers falsifying his identity to play baseball. Turns out reliever Leo Núñez is really Juan Carlos Oviedo and is a year older than he claimed. In September, the Marlins put him on the team's restricted list and sent him back to the Dominican Republic, where he faces a criminal charge of using a false identity.

Brandon Marshall gets stabbed by his wife.
Late in the evening this past April 23, BSO deputies responded to a 911 call to the star wide receiver's gated estate home in Southwest Ranches. The cops found him with a wound in his gut and "a trail of blood leading from the front doorway to the kitchen and another trail towards the Marshall's bedroom." While the Dolphins' star claimed he slipped and fell on broken glass, his wife Michi Nogomi-Marshall told deputies she had stabbed him in self-defense. His wife was arrested for aggravated assault with a deadly weapon, but the charges were subsequently dropped.

Dave Duerson commits suicide.
​The hard-hitting free safety on the 1985 Super Bowl champion Chicago Bears took his own life in an elaborate suicide that ended with a self-inflicted gunshot to the chest. The 50-year-old's death exposed a harsh reality for ex-NFL players, which Miami New Times staff writer Gus Garcia-Roberts explored in a feature story that was highlighted as one of the best 2011 sports yarns by Longform.org. Years after retiring, friends and relatives described how Duerson fought through bouts of depression and dementia as his financial endeavors crumbled around him, leaving him bankrupt.

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