Five RNC Contingency Plans If Tropical Storm Isaac Ruins The GOP Party

Is tropical storm Isaac God's way of smiting Tod Akin for saying stupid sh*t? Is it a coincidence that the squall is set to touch down at the very moment that Rick Scott takes to the podium in Tampa? Does Jesus just hate the GOP?

Get a hold of yourself, man! Rule No. 1 in an emergency like this: don't panic, start planning. The reality is that Isaac could easily tumble Tampa to the ground like a modern-day Sodom. Democratic mayor Bob Buckhorn says he could evacuate the city, but Republicans insist they have alternate ideas in place.

So like true non-partisan patriots, we are volunteering these five contingency plans in case the convention center is underwater on Monday.

5. Norman Braman's Yacht
As storm surges turn the Tampa Bay Times into a giant bathtub, hundreds of survivors will cling to Chris Christie like an inflatable raft. But the New Jersey governor won't be able to resist blaming the catastrophe on local teacher unions. When he opens his mouth to berate the educators, the GOP dingy will spring a fatal leak.

Yet, as delegates drop one by one into the ocean's murky maw, a savior will appear on the horizon: Kisses, Miami automobile mogul Norman Braman's 175-foot yacht. As Braman's crew of spritely seamen snag the flailing Christian fundamentalists, the 80-year-old billionaire will sit in an eagle's nest perch atop the mast, surveying his swift takeover of the Republican party.

Five RNC Contingency Plans If Tropical Storm Isaac Ruins The GOP Party
Illustration by Rick Sealock

4. Bay of Elephants
Under George W. Bush, conservatives never wasted a crisis. Remember how September 11 somehow became a pretext for overthrowing Saddam Hussein and wiretapping all of our phones?

Now that the GOP has roughly 35,000 of its fiercest foot-soldiers here in Florida, why not use the excuse of avoiding Isaac to invade our other longtime foe Cuba? After defeating Fidel Castro in a 17-hour boring speech duel to the death, Mitt Romney could finally get his chance to be president. The GOP could fly it's flag over the island without having to worry about compromise. And the crazy quotient back here in the U.S. would drop by about 90 percent.


3. Disney World
Walt Disney built an all-white world of nostalgia, complete with kings, queens, peasants, and fortresses. Add a few off-shore bank accounts and it's practically a blueprint for Mitt Romney's America.

Less than 100 miles from Tampa, Disney World is the perfect destination for a water-logged Republican Party looking for a (dry) promised land. And Paul Ryan would make a mean Pinocchio.

2. Moon Colony
In his giant-headed wisdom, Newt Gingrich will be holding history classes for delegates in Tampa. He is also the man who suggested moving 13,000 Americans to the moon and declaring statehood. So when the storm comes rolling in, why not kill two birds with one stone and send the GOP delegates into orbit to hold the convention? Besides, in space, no one can hear Sarah Palin scream.

Five RNC Contingency Plans If Tropical Storm Isaac Ruins The GOP Party
Illustration by Rick Sealock

1. Gold GOP Club
As we recently reported, the Tampa Gold Club has pimped itself out ahead of the convention. The strip club has added black granite, marble, haute cuisine, and Cuban cigars, not to mention a fleet of porn stars from across the nation. There is also a private entrance and luxury suites that literally look down upon the rest of the club.

In other words, the Gold Club has transformed itself into a GOP paradise. Here, money buys anything. So why not an election? There are 2,286 RNC delegates. Add another sky box or two and Republicans won't even notice when Isaac arrives.

Follow Miami New Times on Facebook and Twitter @MiamiNewTimes. Follow this journalist on Twitter @MikeMillerMiami.

Sponsor Content


All-access pass to top stories, events and offers around town.

Sign Up >

No Thanks!

Remind Me Later >