Watching preseason NFL football is like watching a remake of your favorite show with completely different characters. Would you watch Breaking Bad if Scott Baio played the role of Walter White? Maybe out of morbid curiosity, but as with preseason football, you'd never make it to the end. You'd probably check back every week just for the plot, but you'd quickly be reminded why you tuned out last week. It's a vicious circle.
Yet you've been champing at the bit ever since the Heat's season ended. Your body has a thirst for sports that a Marlins 2-1 loss in July just doesn't quite quench. Miami Dolphins football is so close, yet it's so far away.
Well, sports beggars can't be choosers. Here is a handy guide to get you through the fake stuff all the way to September 11, when the Dolphins travel to Seattle.
More excited for the return of Dick and Bob in preseason than the regular season games. pic.twitter.com/GAhoxQcSjA— Josh Baumgard (@joshbaumgard) August 2, 2016
1. Play a Miami Dolphins preseason telecast drinking game
It's become a tradition like no other: watching in bewilderment as Dick Stockton, Nat Moore, and Bob Griese struggle through another CBS4 Miami Dolphins preseason assignment. We aren't trying to be mean here — just pointing out the obvious. These guys don't exactly do a ton of game prep. If they do, it doesn't show.
Griese is known to go an entire game calling a guy "Dave" when his name is actually "Don" — it's magical to watch. Moore will say the Dolphins are playing the Bucs for an entire quarter when they are very obviously playing the Jaguars. So this preseason, drink a shot every time one of them slips up and makes a mistake. It's already hilarious, but imagine how much funnier it will be after 14 shots of Cuervo.
Pouncey on Tunsil: We're lucky to have a guy like that. We're excited to see what he can do.— Miami Dolphins (@MiamiDolphins) June 8, 2016
2. Get your first look at some new Miami Dolphins
With every boring preseason comes some exciting opportunities to catch glimpses of what's in store. This preseason, Fins fans can take a look at new offensive lineman Laremy Tunsil, the team's first-round pick this year. In addition to checking out all of the fresh draft picks, Fins fans can look forward to seeing a bit of linebacker Kiko Alonso and cornerback Byron Maxwell, both players acquired in a offseason trade with the Philadelphia Eagles.
3. Get your first look at Ryan Tannehill's future ex-coach
Adam Gase is here to save the day! He's gonna make Ryan Tannehill (who, like, was just playing wide receiver) look like a respectable quarterback! He's not taking any shit! Yes, we've heard all of this before. Multiple men have been the reported key to Tannehill's turning the corner, and to date, exactly zero work for the Dolphins anymore. Not great, Bob!
That doesn't mean we can't invest in the theory this time, because, to be honest, it's sort of believable. Are we being suckers? Probably. Gase might not be the "quarterback whisperer" people are calling him, but we have no choice but to sit back and see what he can do.
Not the mini model the ants play in... This is the actual stadium pic.twitter.com/QYfNNTShyl— Tom Garfinkel (@TomGarfinkel) August 8, 2016
4. Pay attention to everything about the new stadium
Most are aware that the Dolphins are up against the clock when it comes to placing the finishing touches on their refurbished stadium, but not many are talking about the fact that any day now, the Fins should have a new name for their home.
According to president Tom Garfinkel, the team hopes to have a new name for what's unfortunately being called New Miami Stadium before the first regular-season home game September 25 against the Cleveland Browns. While the team is preparing itself on the field elsewhere, the Fins are racing to get the last stadium tiles fitted onto their yet-to-be-named field.
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5. Watch how the other AFC East teams fare this preseason
The AFC East is bound to be pretty interesting this year, and this preseason should be a good chance to get a first look at what the competition has to offer. How good will Jimmy Garoppolo look in his quest to keep the New England Patriots above water while Tom Brady serves his four-game Deflategate suspension? The New York Jets have lots of new pieces with the potential to be exciting. The Buffalo Bills are a real wildcard that most think will be down this year, but you never really know what to expect from a Rex Ryan-coached team. What the Dolphins do is always most important to the fans, but it's never too early to take a peek at what the team is up against this season.