Now that the Heat has won the conference championship, all that stands between Miami and another NBA title are a shaggy, horse-toothed German and his collection of hangers-on.
Given the gravity of the situation, Riptide thinks a broad analysis is in order: Both sides can make informed arguments for the superiority of their respective squads, but there is almost no evidence to suggest that Dallas, as a city, does not suck. To wit:
1. Dallas is fat. It's one of the fattest cities in America, according to rankings from Men's Health. Dallas is one of eight cities that got a failing grade in the report. Miami received a B+.
2. The second-most famous Heatle is Dwyane Wade. The second-most famous Maverick is John McCain. Does anyone care about a Mavs player who isn't Dirk Nowitzki? Jason Kidd will celebrate his 400th birthday next year; maybe then he'll get some press.
3. Dallas is in Texas. There's no need to delve too deeply into why Texas is terrible, but it says a lot that the state was so itchy to execute a guy last month that when they ran out of one of the lethal injection drugs, they just swapped in one used to euthanize dogs.
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4. In Miami, standing in sand indicates you're near the ocean, attractive people, and a good time. In Dallas, standing in sand signals you're near a vast, unforgiving desert with murderous Mexican drug lords on one side and Wichita, Kansas, on the other.
5. U.S. presidents have been visiting Miami for 80 years, and not a single visit involved them getting assassinated.
It'll be a great series, and it gives the Heat a chance to win a ring untarnished by the controversy surrounding the 2006 finals, in which the Mavs camp pitched a fit over a (shitty) call in Game 5 that for some reason made them think it was a couple of D-Wade foul shots that cost them the title instead of their dropping four consecutive games to the Heat.
Regardless of what happens over the next few weeks, the Heat will come home to a richly cultural metropolis, while the Mavericks will go home to... well, somewhere else.