Five Players the Dolphins Should Take in Tonight's NFL Draft (and How They'll Screw It Up)
With the NFL's annual tradition of wealthy, white-haired men selecting young, able-bodied (mostly) black men to perform physical endeavors for comparatively negligible pay aimed at aggrandizing the wealthy men's financial station, we're taking a look at who the Dolphins SHOULD pick -- and how they'll inevitably fuck that up -- during tonight's draft.
"I've got picks and money!"
That was Dolphins GM Jeff Ireland at the end of last season as players streamed into the locker room after yet another loss. This offseason was a huge one for both Miami and Ireland -- much-maligned during his "asshole"-calling, whore-mother-questioning, choosing-Jake-Long-over-Matt-Ryan-camel shitfire of a tenure. Then, armed with about $50 million in free agency, the Dolphins reshaped their lineup by getting faster with Mike Wallace and younger with linebackers Danell Ellerbee and Phillip Wheeler, as well as adding more offensive options for young quarterback Ryan Tannehill via the acquisitions of tight end Dustin Keller and wide receiver Brandon Gibson. On the flip side, the Dolphins lost offensive-line stalwart Jake Long, let Reggie Bush go to Detroit for roughly the same money they used to sign a clipboard-holding puppet to be back-up quarterback, and re-signed a one-touchdown-catching chipmunk to a deal that even had the Rescue Rangers saying "WUUUT DA FUUUUUUCK?"
With the assumption the Dolphins will get a deal done for Chiefs left tackle Branden Albert and will find a way to trade Davone Bess, here are some options for the Dolphins over the coming weekend.
Whom Should the Dolphins Draft?
1. Tavon Austin - WR, West Virginia
No question, the kid absolutely explodes out of the highlight reel. He's considered a slight reach at #12, but the Dolphins should say FUCK IT and pull the trigger on this kid. A Percy Harvin type, he's listed at WR, but he can pretty much line up on top of Tannehill's head and score touchdowns if he wants to. Personally, I don't think he lasts long at all. The kid has done a good job of advertising himself, and he's an explosive playmaker with blazing speed in a league where that quality is at a premium. Some math: Fast guy who stretches the field, makes plays, scores touchdowns, causes matchup problems for the defense > big, fat guy who DEERRRP EATS ALL THE TACOS AT THE GAME-DAY BUFFET AND SLEEPS AND FARTS AND STOPS RUNNING BACK DERRRRRRRRRRRP. What do all the other good teams have that the Dolphins don't (besides a franchise QB)? Playmaking options galore. You wanna cover Wallace? Fine. We'll throw to Hartline. Gonna cover them both? Cool. Here's Lamar Miller blowing through your defense. Gonna put 8-9 in the box? BOOMTOWN TAVON AUSTIN ALL UP YO AZZZZ.
2. DJ Hayden - CB, Houston
The Dolphins have exactly MAYBE ONE POSSIBLY cornerbacks on their roster after letting Sean Smith and his Smithology go to KC. He sucked but, hey, he was a body; all Jimmy Wilson can do is dispose of one for you (huzzah!). Therefore, our lack of cornerbacks is a huge red flag screaming across the sky at us unless we want to lose to Tom Brady and even Mark Fucking Sanchez by 50 points. We need SEVERAL guys there. Hayden has all the tools - size, ball skills, closing speed - but a heart condition from last year still worries a lot of teams. He could go in the first round or he could drop to the third. He may be a reach for the second round, but if he's there when the Dolphins choose again, his upside can be tremendous.
3. Eddie Lacey - RB, Alabama
Lamar Miller is a promising talent, sure, but after letting Reggie Bush go for QB puppet money, the Dolphins need another running back. Might I suggest Eddie Lacey, whose penis is strong and dexterous like several, bundled Sarlacc tentacles hungry for dicks to punch and faces to maul? Did you see this dude obliterate Notre Dame defenders in the BCS title game to the point all their made up, dead, Samoan girlfriends wailed collectively unto each other in the darkness of an uncertain afterlife? Do you trust Daniel Thomas and his vagina feet to do anything other than skate along the Sun Life field as if it was glazed in Astroglide only to simultaneously fumble the ball, concuss himself for the 17th time already and accidentally Joe Theismann the shit out of Ryan Tannehill in the process? EDDIE LACEY AIN'T THAT DUDE.
4. Blidi Wreh-Wilson - CB, UConn
The Dolphins aren't going to pick a ton of winners to fill the obvious positional void right off the bat in this draft, but lucky for them, this draft has some very good depth at the cornerback position. Blidi Wreh-Wilson is tall and strong, he comes from UConn (a school with a knack for developing DBs in recent years) and, above all, he has one of those cool, unpronounceable NFL names that usually leads to either an awesome player or total fucking bust. He's Sean Smith-like in size but he seems to actually enjoy hitting other people (you know, his job) unlike Smith and is, by all accounts, tailor-made for the Dolphins' zone scheme.
5. Dion Sims - TE, Michigan State
A big, nasty fucker who lines up and blocks like an offensive lineman but can also be a factor in the passing game with his toughness once he catches the ball. The Dolphins desperately need a blocking tight end to go along with Dustin Keller's more slot-type, third-down specialist role and this big fucker is a good guy to do it. He's got a slight Troy Drayton vibe to him though he is a bit more of a project in the passing department. However, once he catches the ball, defenders tend to look like 5'-6" Willows trying to bring him down. MADMARTIGAAAAAAN!!!!
So How Will The Dolphins Fuck Up This Year?
We've obtained an exclusive look at Jeff Ireland's internal draft memo. Here's what he's got cooking:
1. Trade up. FAT GUY
2. FAT GUY
3. HIGH MOTOR, PACIFIC ISLANDER FAT GUY
4. FAT, SLOW GUY NO TOUCHDOWN 7-9 FOREVERZZZ
The NFL Draft begins tonight with the first round beginning at 8 p.m. and continues on Friday at 6:30 p.m. and Saturday at noon.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Miami New Times' biggest stories.
- Facebook Killer Derek Medina Found Guilty
- St. Louis Rams Player Stedman Bailey Expected to Survive After Drive-By Shooting in...
- With Beckham's Little Havana Stadium Just About Dead, Overtown Could Be Next