The NFL's free-agency period begins this Tuesday, March 12, and your Miami Dolphins -- with about $36 million in cap space -- are poised for one of the biggest offseasons in franchise history. Naturally, there's a good chance they'll fuck it up, but here are the five free agents the Dolphins should go after when the bell rings at midnight next Tuesday. You know, if they don't just end up vomiting in their own underwear instead.
1. WR Mike Wallace
Estimated cost: About $11 million per year
There's no question that the Dolphins deeply covet Mike Wallace. He's the number one listed target for the Fins on every NFL beat guy's list, and there's no question Wallace is a very talented wide receiver -- something the Dolphins seek in order to stretch the defense, make big plays downfield, get in the end zone, and remove all those FG cooties that have plagued us for years. But with that talent comes a heavy price, and one that is escalating by the day. Is Wallace worth it? Yes, if it's the Mike Wallace of 2010 and 2011 and a Mike Wallace bereft of drama and drops. He'll instantly give Tannehill a Mark Duper-like dude that homie can just sling the rock downfield to and Wallace, with his blazing speed, will haul in. The guy is nasty fucking talented.
Sooooo we got him, right? We've got the money, we live in a goddamn paradise, we've got the sexy babes (which he'll need after several years in Pittsburgh -- YEEESH!), and there's no state tax, so fuckin' done deal, right? Wellllllll...
There are a couple of issues: (1) Just because we have the cap space and we want him doesn't mean we'll get him (see: Manning, Peyton; also: Clark, Ryan), and there's a good chance Wallace might just be using us to jack up his market price before he signs with another team (again, see: Clark, Ryan) because -- I don't know -- maybe he doesn't want to play for a franchise that's been in the playoffs only once in the past 12 years, is run by a guy who asks young black men if their mother is a crack whore (one more time, see: Clark, Ryan) and are gladly willing to ship him off for a lower price than we obtained him for (see: Marshall, Brandon) if the guy is deemed a "diva" or "cancer." So needless to say, it's not a home run just yet. And (2) the price is pretty damn high for a guy coming off an "off" year when he experienced a number of drops and exhibited "diva"-like behavior. Nonetheless, everyone knows the Dolphins want this guy, and it's a sure bet Steve Ross will allow Wallace to swim in his giant Ducktales money bin if he's willing to come to Miami.
2. WR Greg Jennings
Estimated cost: About $10 million per year
Failing the signing of Wallace, the Dolphins could possibly look at landing the next big-name wide receiver in free agency, as maligned GM Jeff Ireland MUST make a splash of some sort this offseason with market-share popularity loss to the Heat and declining ticket sales. Just last night, the Dolphins re-signed human chipmunk/one-touchdown wrecking ball Brian Hartline for a contract that will pay him about $6 million annually over the next five years (why???), so Jennings could be an option if Wallace decides to go elsewhere and the Dolphins need to add some playmakers on the outside to complement Hartline. I guuueeeessss?
Jennings is a playmaker and figured prominently in Green Bay's multipronged, deadly offensive attack, but he's 30 (*BIGREDFLAGDANGERDANGER*) and is coming off an injury-plagued season. However, he would immediately improve a Dolphins passing attack that resembles a saggy, wet, and salty 70-year-old ballsack most Sundays. Question is: Are the Dolphins willing to commit that much money and a long-term deal to a guy who's on the downside of his career and someone that Coach Joe Philbin is reportedly not all that thrilled about? Would Jennings be willing to sign with a team that is about as close to winning a title as you are from randomly punching your mom in the face? Again, up to the wizardry of one Jeff Ireland! He'll magically turn this once-proud franchise into a steaming pile of hot camel shit before your very eyes. ABRA-KAZAM-BAZOOMY!
3. TE Dustin Keller
Estimated cost: About $6 million per year
Last year, the Dolphins drafted TE Michael Egnew to be a passing threat down the seam to complement the blocking/pick-and-pop game of Anthony Fasano -- and Egnew promptly spent the entire season on the bench drawing sad, emo pictures of anime heroes slicing Coach Philbin in half with a katana blade. That's just not going to cut it, especially when the top-tier talent available in the draft at the TE position is not exactly worthy of a No. 12 overall pick but will also be gone by the time the Dolphins choose again in the second round.
Instead of all that nonsense, why not spend some of that cheddar getting a proven tight end who can help your quarterback in the passing game (especially on third downs), stretch the field in the seam, AND take talent away from those dirty, stinkin' Jets. How awesome would it be to let this guy go JAMON against the Jets twice a year? This is a total win-win for the Dolphins. And Keller, coming off a bad year when he had career lows in receptions, yards, and TDs, might come at a slightly cheaper price than his stats warrant. Also, poor Keller had to play with the rampant idiocy of Mark "Buttfumble" Sanchez every day for the past four years. Who knows what this dude's ceiling actually is? Do it, Dolphins!
4. DE Cliff Avril
Estimated cost: About $10 million per year
Since 2008, the Dolphins have drafted roughly 17,591 defensive linemen and all of maybe ONE of them would be a starter on other GOOD NFL teams. Cam Wake was obtained from the CFL as a free agent and has been a monster -- but the Kraken can't do it alone; he needs some help, folks. Solution: Go out and get Cliff Avril. Is he pricey? Yes. Is he slightly unproven against the run? Sure, but that's what those other big dorks are for in Miami's front seven. This guy is young, and above all else is one hell of a disruptive pass rusher. We need someone to team with Cam Wake and knock Tom Brady's pituitary gland through his rectum. The Dolphins have no cornerbacks worth a shit on their roster as of right now, so putting pressure on the QB in the upcoming season will be paramount to their success. Go after this young, nasty stud badass mothercow of a physical FREAK. Also, he'd perfectly complement our scheme in the 4-3.
5. Ed Reed
Estimated cost: $6-$7 million per year
I don't even need to put a highlight reel here for Ed Reed, because the dude's entire NFL career has been one giant highlight reel. Yes, he's old. Yes, his hip is banged up. Yes, he might play only two more seasons. But you know what else he is? A bona fide ballhawk who would benefit a team that is completely bereft of them (outside of burgeoning talent Reshad Jones). Bring Reed (perhaps one of the top three greatest players in UM history) back to Miami, team him up with Jones, sit back, pour yourself a Scotch, order two Scarlett's dancers, and laugh as you watch the interceptions pile up. He'll be pricey, and his body has felt the wear and tear of a loooooong and successful NFL career. But this is not Cris Carter, people; this guy will make plays for us and show a very, very young defense how to be professionals in this league. This guy BREATHES football and is still hungry to play (a change of scenery might help), and all indications are that he might be headed for New England. You want to play against Ed Reed twice a year (on a team with that human douchenozzle, Tom Brady) instead of having him on YOUR Dolphins?
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