Fire Jeff Ireland Watch: Living on Borrowed Time
Every week, Riptide's crack team of employment termination scientists gauge just how fireable loathed Dolphins General Manager Jeff Ireland has become following his latest series of horrific blunders. So how close is the Ginger Menace to getting canned this week?
Yes, the Dolphins managed to outlast the Cincinnati Bengals over the weekend. No, this does not vindicate the Jeff Ireland Era.
What Horrible Thing Did Jeff Ireland Do This Week?
OK, so Jeff Ireland earned a minor reprieve this week from the Fire Jeff Ireland Watch Committee as the Dolphins managed to pull of a 17-13 win over a decent Bengals squad. But as with all things Jeff Ireland, he will surely screw something up very, very soon, so be patient. It will only be a matter of days before Jeff Ireland will be surely minding his own business before he accidentally insults a child stricken with cancer by calling him 'Curly' or mindlessly runs into a bunch of cops chasing after some bank robbers causing them to fall over one another or, you know, calls someone's mother a whore. This is the Jeff Ireland Way. It's like death, taxes, the moon and tides -- it's guaranteed. The man is going to fuck some shit up (and by "some shit," we generally mean our local, tradition-rich, professional football team).
So how Fireable is Jeff Ireland This Week?
Well, if you ask the geniuses over at #WAARF Records, he is still eminently fireable. As we told you about yesterday, the guys over at #WAARF (which stands for We Are All Ray Feinga, a Dolphins offensive lineman that has been mercilessly cut and resigned by Ireland roughly 3,923 times like the malicious, dream-crushing sonuvabitch he is) put together the parody video below set to the tune of Eminem's "My Name Is."
Given this most creative parody piece coupled with Chiefs fans copy-catting an idea some Dolphins fans put together earlier this year -- and factoring in the win using our complex algorithms -- our calculations reveal that even after the Bengals win and a quiet week from Jeff Ireland, the man is still a respectable 82 percent fireable at the moment. Good job, Jeffy Jeffy Jeff Ireland!
What Should The Dolphins Do About It (But Probably Won't)?
We love the Dolphins more than anyone but we need to address something: We've been rooting for them since we were probably around four years old but we've got a term here for some folks that are all "Waaaaah, let's give Jeffy ANOTHER chance ... and then another one ... he's building this team! Look at Daniel Thomas, Odrick, Misi, Jimmy Wilson, and other players that wouldn't be third-stringers on teams that can actually draft yadda yadda."
We call those people Zombies. If your GM cannot draft (and for every "success" attributed to Ireland, there are about three to four other BAD misses -- that is not a logical business model, folks) and he cannot bring in FREE AGENTS THAT CAN STAY ON THE ROSTER (we laid these all out for you last week) then your GM is a piece of shit. The guy isn't even nice about being crappy, to boot. He's incredibly smug and shitty about it, in fact.
Poor Philbin is coaching with bare bones at this point (please take a look at that roster, zombies) and it is your GM's JOB to find talent, add depth and address weaknesses on your team. Do the zombies feel he has performed his duties well enough over the FOUR seasons he's been here, trading away players for lesser picks? Draft after draft when he treated valuable second round picks like toilet paper? Do you know what a 2-3 record translates to if you multiply that over the rest of the season? About 6-10. Is that satisfactory to zombies? ;Does that constitute 'improvement'? Do zombies enjoy their team being 7-9, 6-10, 6-10, 7-9 every year? We sure as shit don't. REALLY look at Ireland's moves over the years and tell us if that's good enough for you, zombies. It's not for us. When did mediocrity and banality become a good image for your football team?
The Dolphins should fire him then have all the Dolphins Zombies tear away at his melanin-lacking, freak flesh.
The Miami Dolphins take on the St Louis Rams at 1 p.m. this Sunday at Sun Life. Play from your fucking hearts, Dolphins fans.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Miami New Times' biggest stories.