Miami Dolphins General Manager Jeff Ireland's mismanagement of the Fins -- comically whiffing on everything from prospective free agents to current players to young college kids whose mothers were probably not crack-smoking prostitutes -- has been well-documented. He's quite the controversial, talent-repelling jerk, this one.
But how close is Jeff Ireland to actually getting fired? To find out, strap in for our inaugural "Fire Jeff Ireland Watch," a new weekly feature carefully calibrated by Riptide's prognosticators to measure what "'ERRR-MERRR-GERRRR HE SAID DAAAAAT?" thing Ireland did this week and how quickly it will lead to his glorious dismissal.
What Horrible Thing Did Jeff Ireland Just Do? Yesterday, as first reported by the our sister paper, New Times Broward-Palm Beach, Ireland touched off yet another embarrassing media shit storm when he admitted to calling a Club Level season-ticket-holding-fan (you know, that thing the Dolphins have increasingly less of during his tenure) an "asshole" after the fan criticized him during last Sunday's Raiders.
How Fireable Is Jeff Ireland This Week? 72 percent fireable.
How Fireable Is That? Well, BEFORE yesterday's turdburger of a gaffe, our football scientists feared Ireland was a mere 23 percent fireable. Yes, he's fucking putrid overall, but the team was fresh off its first win of the season for both the team's rookie head coach and quarterback with a convincing 35-13 beatdown of the Oakland Raiders.
Which was great! There were blinding rays of sunshine up everyone's asses, dogs and cats were hanging out together kissing and the Middle East was working out various peace accords to end all the recent bloodshed. In fact, even Ireland draft picks like Ryan Tannehill, Mike Pouncey and Lamar Miller played near-flawless games along with a monster performance by Ireland free agent acquistion/ass closet structural engineer Reggie Bush (AKA LaMontelle Pussyhammer).
Of course, the only real problem with all that reasoning was that Oakland is probably amongst the five worst teams in the NFL and the heat/humidity of the 1pm home game in September was probably just as much of a factor in our win as anyone we put on the field. Still, we won and all was temporarily forgiven! Ireland was not so fireable!
But, as with all things Dolphins these days, Ireland's idiocy would not be denied its chance to piss into your happiness cereal bowl with a hardcore dose of dipshit reality. So, the GM proceeded to not only admit to what was essentially a 'he said/she said' account from a local sports talk radio show as corroborated by just a handful of witnesses (including the actual 'victim,' a man named Sean who was shrouded in 'Deepthroat'-like mystery) but he also carelessly added to the national perception of rampant organizational incompetence within the Dolphins during his tenure.
At any rate, whether or not you agree that the fan's actions were crass and in poor taste (valid points, to be sure), the fact remains that Ireland is very much a face of the franchise and he has consistently represented the Dolphins like Stevie Wonder making our entire city some omelettes: egg on the face, after egg on the face, falling over pots and pans in the kitchen while all of us are fucking starving.
What Should the Dolphins Do About It (But Probably Won't?) I don't know ... FIRE HIS ASS?! Fire him so hard that Vontae's grandmother calls him up to check in on him. Fire him so hard he learns some fucking manners and how to behave when you're the General Manager of a once-prestigious franchise with absolutely nothing to show for it as of late. Fire him before he keeps fucking breaking things like a drunken elephant high as fuck on absinthe in a room full of Precious Moments figurines. FIREHIMFIREHIMFIREHIM.
Of course, even though he's a respectably 72 percent fireable this week, none of those things will happen. Jeff Ireland is like a Highlander of The Suck. He knows no home and his personal Albatross is to fight on through space, time and all enemies of The Suck to ensure the Dolphins are as laughable as the Cleveland Browns and as devoid of talent as our future generations' One Direction.
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SHOW ME HOW
The Miami Dolphins host The New York Jets, this Sunday at 1 p.m. at Sun Life Stadium. There are likely plenty of tickets available. Fuck the Jets.
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