Fire Jeff Ireland Watch: A Jets-Sized Nail In the Coffin
Last week, we introduced "Fire Jeff Ireland Watch," Riptide's newest feature, where our crack team of employment termination scientists gauge just how fireable the Dolphins loathed general manager is at the moment following his latest series of horrific blunders. This week, the Ginger Devil's awful drafting, terrible personnel decisions and general crapitude helped the Dolphins lose a soul-crushing affair to the Jets. THE JETS!
So how close is this jerk his final, glorious dismissal?
What Horrible Thing Did Jeff Ireland Do This Week?
Well, he didn't call anyone an asshole this week, so that's a nice plus, but we did lose a heartbreaker to our archrival, the New York Jets, largely because our team is completely devoid of talent in areas directly related to Ireland's drafting and free agent signing. For instance, defensive backs used to be one of this team's few strengths, but then he traded away a former first round pick of ours in Vontae Davis for a second-round pick (not smart) and the players that remain on the team with the vaunted "Ireland seal of approval" (Ireland draftees like Sean Smith and free agent Richard Marshall) are absolute mule semen!
Example: Richard Marshall, who had a nice interception on a poorly thrown pass to former Dolphin (more on him later) Clyde Gates, had a terrible game. Not only did Santonio Holmes burn Marshall on several plays en route to a nine-catch, 147-yard performance but Marshall was also called for a couple of costly pass interference penalties (a third for defensive holding was declined because Santonio dusted Marshall as he caught the last pass to set up the game-winning field goal). It would have been nice for the Dolphins to put someone else on Santonio, but the problem is we have about 3 1/2 cornerbacks on our active roster. Maybe they can hold a halftime contest to see if there are any available defensive backs in the crowd?
Who can you thank for this talent black hole? Well, Jeff Ireland, for one. He also drafted Vagina Feet, aka Daniel Thomas, who vultured a touchdown setup by Reggie Bush but then fumbled the ball away later in the game (his second in two games). Nevermind there was a perfectly capable backup in Lamar Miller (5.3 yards per carry during the game vs Thomas' 3.6) because it's clear that Ireland is invested in Thomas given the second-round status he graded him at in the 2011 draft. See, Ireland moved up from the third round to draft Vagina Feet so it's in Ireland's best interest that he work out.
This also goes for wide receiver Clyde Gates, a player cut by the Dolphins at the end of training camp because he simply could not play who was subsequently picked up by the Jets. Gates was asked after the game about Ireland's assertion that Gates had the talent to "come back to haunt the Dolphins" and Gates (he of the poorly-run route that led to the Marshall interception and overall lack of any visible talent whatsoever) replied by saying "I mean, real recognize real." Huh? Did Clyde Gates just cite Jeff Ireland's legitimacy as a talent evaluator over the reality of his THREE-CATCH NFL career as proof of his wide receiver prowess?
And that's without even getting into the dearth of talent at wide receiver on a team where our best wide receiver might also be playing quarterback. But, hey, Jonathan Martin, right? Wow.
So how Fireable is Jeff Ireland This Week?
Well, the Fins lost to the Jets, so roughly 173% fireable.
What Should The Dolphins Do About It (But Probably Won't)?
Uh. FIRE.HIS.ASSSSS. Fire him hard as fuck and then have the gall to tell him "I appreciate you" in that same generic, insincere, fucktard manner he does when he tells players he's releasing them. Fire him, then release his phone number to the public so everyone can call him up and tell him how shitty he is on a personal level.
Yes, is this Jeff Ireland?
Why yes it is. Who's this? I APPRECIATE YOU, MAN.
Mr. Ireland, I'm calling you from Tootsie's Cabaret. Seems we have a rather large, suspicious charge under your name for last Sunday night.
That's impossible. Everyone knows I despise prostitution and illicit sex.
Uuuhhh...YOUSHOULDFIREYOURSELFIHATEYOUDIEDIEDIE (hangs up)
I APPRECIATE YOU....asshole.
Or we could always just fire him then fart on him.
The Miami Dolphins take on the Arizona Cardinals on the road this Sunday at 4:05 p.m.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Miami New Times' biggest stories.