The Tampa Bay Times decided to travel down south to gauge our political scene here ahead of the election, and proclaimed Miami-Dade County "the strangest county in the weirdest state in America."
Well, since The Tampa Bay Times is also behind the popular political fact checking website PolitiFact, we were inspired to check some facts of our own.
"What if a presidential election came down to the strangest county in the weirdest state in America? For better or worse, that's Miami-Dade."
Fact Check: While it is true that Florida is America's weirdest state, trying to decide which county in the strangest is like trying to find the guy who is the most stoned at a Phish concert. It's impossible. No one in Miami-Dade lately has had sexual relations with a donkey, beat their ex with his fake leg, or stored the remains of 100 people in a storage unit. We find this claim dubious at best. We might be strange, but, come on, we're not that strange.
"But this is Miami, so it's likely we'll have to wait on the vote tally because some precinct worker is stuck in traffic behind a delivery truck parked for no clear reason on the Interstate express lane. Or stuck behind a grisly crime scene, perhaps involving face-eating."
Fact Check: Statistically, only a very low percentage of the crimes in Miami-Dade involve face-eating. Yes, higher than most other counties, but still, very, very low. So it's highly unlikely face-eating will lead to vote tally delays.
"Maybe behind paparazzi stalking a misbehaving celebrity."
Fact Check: While celebrities are often photographed in Miami on our beaches and occasionally our streets, most of their misbehaving occurs up in the club, far, far away from paparazzi. Because while what happens in Las Vegas stays in Las Vegas, what happens in Miami didn't happen at all.
Miami-Dade defines Florida to much of America: super models and mega yachts, Elian Gonzalez, the poorest of the poor, old Cuban exiles in guayaberas sipping espresso.
Fact Check: Nope, Florida is now defined by people cracked out on pain pills, Casey Anthony, people humping manatees, and giant snakes eating alligators.
"But the rest of Florida tends to view the state's most populous county with wary suspicion: a foreign territory with chronic public corruption problems, the nastiest campaigns and the occasional Santeria sacrifice leaving animal parts on sidewalks."
Fact Check: This is true, but F you too, rest of Florida.
"Of course, you know Miami is heavily Hispanic, but it's easy to miss just how much so."
Fact Check: This is in no way easy to miss at all to anyone with working eyes and ears.
"When Romney campaigned at a Miami juice shop, Democrats crowed that El Palacio de los Jugos was owned by a convicted cocaine trafficker. The reaction in Miami? Yawn."
Fact Check: Riptide can not find evidence that anyone actually yawned when hearing of this news. The reaction was more likely, "Ha, of course he did."
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Why? Because that's obviously the coolest GIF to steal from the PolitiFact website.