Miami New Times has recovered internal University of Miami documents that reveal how the administration is dealing with the recent scandal surrounding Kyle Munzenrieder, a student who blogged a raunchy rap song recorded by members of the football team. Munzenrieder, you may recall, was forced to leave his dorm after posting a nine-minute song that included, count 'em, thirteen references to female body parts.
No time to talk about this nonsense in practice, so Im sending you lugs a memo. Some computer weasel passed out a rap-hop song recorded by a few players a couple of years ago. Now we all have to deal with reporters crappy questions. Fact is, I listened to this so-called song on the Radioweb, and its a bunch of doo-doo. One things for sure, though: Neither I nor this great university condone running a seven-man train all up in anybody. Nor do we want young ladies gettin muddied by the whole damn crew. Period.
From: Miami Hurricanes Head Coach Larry Coker
To: University of Miami President Donna Shalala
I gave the kids hell for that darn song, worse than after Georgia Tech even. I swear I was channeling Bear Bryant, Vince Lombardi, and Attila. They cowered. They whined. They sniveled. I can assure you there will be no repeat of that little ditty. I have to say, though, kids are kids. (Just hang out with Willie Williams for a while course, hes got a thing for breaking and entering, but the guys a hoot!) And I think we all know who the real villain is here. Thanks for getting that Interweb geek the hell out of Dodge! So anyway, were sorry, but hey, you couldnt pay for that Ferrari of yours if it werent for us, could you?
From: Coach Coker
To: Athletic Director Paul Dee
Between you, me, and the coconut tree, we are getting some serious interest from the best high school players in the country since that damn song showed up on the Radionet. I mean, the cream of the crop. What we need is another one. Tell you what: Lets mike up the locker room. All those kids talk about is pussy, and man, do they get a lot. I mean, Im the coach. Im the goddamn brains. But do I get smokin hot tail? Nooooo. So, Deeterpee, what say we mike up the shower, pound on a snare drum or some damn thing, and put it out there on the Interradio so the friggin Herald can get its greasy paws on it. Well lock up the best recruiting class ever, Deepee, the finest young bucks in UM history.
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