Miami is a melting pot of douchebags. Seriously, so many types of douchebag. In fact, happy long-term social survival in Miami means quickly spotting douchebags and avoiding them at all costs or dealing with them properly.
To help you with that task, we've prepared this guide to various kinds of douches you may know. However, be careful, because an individual douchebag can meet the criteria for different types (they're sort of like Pokemon that way), and some douches are their own unique type of douche in that they just can't be classified.
The Your-New-Best-Fake-Friend Douche
This specimen is charming -- actually friendly -- at first. You totally accept his Facebook friend request. The problem, as you soon find out, is this douche views friendship as nothing more than a commodity. He expects something in return for his basic human social skills. Maybe it's getting you to go to a cool party, maybe it's persuading you to help with his business deals, maybe it's coercing you into having sex. Who knows? But this douche thinks manners are an investment, and when he doesn't collect, he drops you faster than a bad stock. These people are plentiful in Miami, but eventually you can learn to spot them a mile away.
The DJ Douche
The chief problem with the DJ douche is he likes the idea of being a DJ more than he likes music. The DJ douche is most easily spotted when his entire set consists of only Beatport top ten hits, and if he ventures into other genres, his sets still all seem the same. The DJ douche is what happens when you can buy good equipment but you can't buy good taste. Yet a DJ douche with gumption and the right connections can thrive in Miami, mostly because the other douches on this list think he "kills it."
The Overly Aggressive Douche
This guy walks around like he has a chip on his shoulder, but that's probably because he has a Cheeto in his boxer briefs and a mini-pretzel in his brain cavity. This guy's response to any perceived slight is overly aggressive machismo. Piss him off in traffic (usually by simply driving like a normal human being), and you can expect 30 seconds of horn and some middle fingers. Look at his girl, and expect a barrage of shit-talk. Disrespect him even the slightest, and he'll let you know about it in the most overtly macho way possible. Sure, at times we all kind of feel like the overly aggressive douche. Seriously, dude, chill. Do you need a number for a good therapist? What's going on here?
The Gay Douche
The gay douche is totally "masc only. no fats/no femmes" and for some reason still thinks tribal house remixes of pop songs are cool. He's still living gay life like it's the '90s -- including that part where he's not out to his mom. He thinks he's one of the gays, yet of all the things other gay men would want to spend five minutes doing with him, talking is at the very bottom of that list.
The Creepy Old Douche
This douche may have a wife and children, but he certainly hasn't settled down. He's still partying like it's 1999. You know, when he was 16 years younger. It's not to say that fun times and nightlife can't be for men of a certain age; it's just that this particular douche seems to have little awareness that he's hit a certain age. He might think he's king of the Beach, sitting there in the VIP section with a 20-year-old on his lap, but the rest of us are kind of skeeved out.
The Faux-Hipster Douche
Usually spotted around Wynwood, this douche comes with all the annoyances of an actual hipster yet can give you no good music or movie recommendations. He started hanging out at hipster joints because he figured the drinks (and the women) were cheaper, and now he's adopted all the affectations of the average annoying hipster but none of the redeeming qualities.
The So-Over-Miami Douche
We all go through phases when we get a little sick of Miami and some of its excesses, but this guy has been going through one for the past two years. He swears Miami was so much better at some point in the past, and he never lets you forget it. Now when you hang out with him, he just rags on everything and talks about how he wants to move to New York or L.A. (probably to transform into some higher-level douchebag). Unfortunately, he never actually leaves.
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
The Top-of-the-Line Douche
This guy makes his money through questionable means or is in serious credit card debt, but either way, he has to have the best of everything. It's top-shelf liquor (preferably from a bottle at the club) for him. He drives the finest cars, eats at the fanciest restaurants, and dresses in top-of-the-line douche couture. This is likely because he has no discernible personality or individuality and tries to hide that fact with giant piles of cash.