Eight Types of Miami Douchebag You May Know

Eight Types of Miami Douchebag You May Know
Photo bu WikiCommons

Miami is a melting pot of douchebags. Seriously, so many types of douchebag. In fact, happy long-term social survival in Miami means quickly spotting douchebags and avoiding them at all costs or dealing with them properly.

To help you with that task, we've prepared this guide to various kinds of douches you may know. However, be careful, because an individual douchebag can meet the criteria for different types (they're sort of like Pokemon that way), and some douches are their own unique type of douche in that they just can't be classified.

The Your-New-Best-Fake-Friend Douche

This specimen is charming -- actually friendly -- at first. You totally accept his Facebook friend request. The problem, as you soon find out, is this douche views friendship as nothing more than a commodity. He expects something in return for his basic human social skills. Maybe it's getting you to go to a cool party, maybe it's persuading you to help with his business deals, maybe it's coercing you into having sex. Who knows? But this douche thinks manners are an investment, and when he doesn't collect, he drops you faster than a bad stock. These people are plentiful in Miami, but eventually you can learn to spot them a mile away.

The DJ Douche

The chief problem with the DJ douche is he likes the idea of being a DJ more than he likes music. The DJ douche is most easily spotted when his entire set consists of only Beatport top ten hits, and if he ventures into other genres, his sets still all seem the same. The DJ douche is what happens when you can buy good equipment but you can't buy good taste. Yet a DJ douche with gumption and the right connections can thrive in Miami, mostly because the other douches on this list think he "kills it."

The Overly Aggressive Douche

This guy walks around like he has a chip on his shoulder, but that's probably because he has a Cheeto in his boxer briefs and a mini-pretzel in his brain cavity. This guy's response to any perceived slight is overly aggressive machismo. Piss him off in traffic (usually by simply driving like a normal human being), and you can expect 30 seconds of horn and some middle fingers. Look at his girl, and expect a barrage of shit-talk. Disrespect him even the slightest, and he'll let you know about it in the most overtly macho way possible. Sure, at times we all kind of feel like the overly aggressive douche. Seriously, dude, chill. Do you need a number for a good therapist? What's going on here?

The Gay Douche

The gay douche is totally "masc only. no fats/no femmes" and for some reason still thinks tribal house remixes of pop songs are cool. He's still living gay life like it's the '90s -- including that part where he's not out to his mom. He thinks he's one of the gays, yet of all the things other gay men would want to spend five minutes doing with him, talking is at the very bottom of that list.

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