With the Miami Dolphins hitting the heart of their training camp schedule this week, it's the perfect time to look into that vintage Marino promotional beer mirror hanging in your man cave and decide once and for all: What type of Fins fanatic are you? Here are just a few of the varieties.
The Indifferent Dolphins Fan: This fan is just as close to painting his face as he is to putting a paper bag over it. Indifferent Dolphins Fan watches the games at this point only out of pure habit and still wears a Daunte Culpepper jersey as a sign of the last time he even remotely cared. Indifferent Dolphins Fan is the goth of the Dolphins fan community. Screw the conformists!
The Historian: 1972. Larry Csonka. Mercury Morris. The Killer B's! Over and over and over! On the positive side, no one has more pride in the team than the Historian. On the negative side, the Historian has grandchildren who are sick of their team losing. The worst part about the Historian is how freaking jelly we are of him.
Eight Types of Miami Dolphins Fans
The Girlfriend: The Girlfriend either doesn't understand "why a game is so important to you" or is way too motivated to learn the intricacies of the entire sport at the exact moment of the week that is the least convenient for you because you're trying to watch the damn game.
The Boyfriend: Nine times out of ten, this guy sucks. You invite him over to watch the game with the rest of your boys, but he can't make it because he's taking his girl to the movies at exactly 1 p.m. When he does make it, he brings the girlfriend and they sit together just far enough away from the guys so that his secret bro life is not exposed.
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SHOW ME HOW
The Zombie: The Zombie is unfazed by the fact that the team has not won a Super Bowl since the Jackson Five released new music, and he will remind you of his loyalty at every turn. Regardless of the transaction or draft pick, he supports management. Faced with a decision of whether to lose a game and get a higher draft pick or beat the Bills, the Zombie picks the Bills win like a perspectiveless asshole.
The Coach: The Coach believes if it worked in Madden a couple thousand times, it must work in real life. He blurts out things like, "This would be a good time for a flea flicker!" or "Challenge!" Rumor has it that some of these fans take challenge flags to other people's homes and throw them at the TV set.
The Jaded Dolphins Fan: Jaded Dolphins Fan does nothing but complain about everything the team does, and in the event the team does something positive, he chalks it up to blind luck. Jaded Dolphins Fan needs a Super Bowl, but even if he gets a Super Bowl, he will complain the minute any player isn't brought back to defend the title.
The Noob: The Noob doesn't understand what the hell your problem is and thinks you should just root for the Patriots if you can't hang, bro. With less than a decade of real Dolphins memories, the Noob thinks it's just a phase the team is going through and thinks Dan Marino was no Joe Flacco because Joe Flacco is a champion!