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Eight Facts We Learned About Florida Man and Florida Woman in 2013

Florida Man and his wife, Florida Woman, are anonymous superheroes whose only powers are to shock and amaze. Their existence is a phantasmagoria; they are nowhere and everywhere all at once and can cause shenanigans in both Panama City and Pasco within the same 24-hour news cycle. Although very little is known about either's identity and origin, both components of this power couple are known for thinking outside the box -- elevating petty crime to an absurd art form that confirms the disharmony between mankind's constant search for meaning and his inability to find any. Here's what we learned about them in 2013.

The terms of their relationship are unclear.

Who could forget that classic scene from the Bible in which Florida Woman is created out of Florida Man's McRib? If we remember our Sunday school lessons correctly, the bond between Florida Man and Florida Woman is a special one, for they are cut from the same primordial pink slime. Who could ever replace either of them? Were two people ever made more for each other? The answer, clearly, is no. So excuse us for being offended at their constant attempts to bring a third person into their special union. In 2013, Florida Woman went knife crazy after being denied a threesome, and Florida Man took a baseball bat to his friend for denying his generous offer of group sex.

They both still love McDonald's.

Florida Woman loves McDonald's so much that she will cut you in the drive-thru line and cut you for real if you complain about it. Her male counterpart is even more intense in his devotion to the sky dad who created his wife out of a restructured pork sandwich -- he has pulled a gun at Mickey D's twice this year.

Toward the end of the year, though, Florida Man changed his house of worship to Chick-fil-A and defended the honor of the queue by any means necessary. Now, if you get between him and his dank chicken nugs, you're likely to get a bullet in the hood of your car.

Eight Facts We Learned About Florida Man and Florida Woman in 2013
via Wikimedia Commons

But as much as they love their junk food, they will also turn snacks into weapons.

TV producers supply the Real Housewives of whatever with an endless vat of white wine, which is also known by the more functional term "throwing wine." But when people in Florida want to attack someone with food or drink, they don't have some bigwig Hollywood fatcat footing the bill. They are forced to throw whatever is available. This year, that amounted to Taco Bell burritos, bowls of chicken wings, and milkshakes.

Both want you to see their junk.

To be clear: Florida Man really, really loves McDonald's, as well as the employees who run the drive-thru window. And Florida Woman is not above exposing herself to a bus full of children.

 

Eight Facts We Learned About Florida Man and Florida Woman in 2013
via Wikimedia Commons

He has no respect for a centralized currency.

Florida Man keeps his money in a coffee can that's buried in his backyard or ensconced in a bulletproof safe. He's also developed his own alternative currency. No, he doesn't believe in the buttcoin (go fiddle around on your e-calculator and try to figure out how many lifetimes it will take you to get cool, Obama), but he will pay his water bill with crack and try to trade a baby alligator for a sixer. Those cryptocurrency nerds could stand to learn something from a real man.

Florida Man is naturally curious.

Florida Man has no barrier to impulse; he is all action all the time. This is someone who will stab you out of curiosity. So little does he prize forethought -- or any thought -- he will set a library full of books ablaze just to see if he can put out the fire. But despite his book-burning tendencies and apparent sadism, Florida Man is far from a Nazi. Schadenfreude? Speak English, mofo -- this is America.

Eight Facts We Learned About Florida Man and Florida Woman in 2013
via Wikimedia Commons

Both would benefit from daycares inside strip clubs.

It's true that kids need to fend for themselves early on. So while some might perceive Florida Man leaving a 3-year-old inside his car while he visited a gentleman's club as neglect, what would those people chose as the alternative? Staying home? Discriminatory against fertile people.

What about when Florida Woman left a kid to wander a hotel while she went and stripped? Would the same parental police really try to take money out of a working mother's G-string? Let's solve this dilemma like rational adults and create some jobs in the process. Strip club daycares. Boom. Problem solved.

Neither understands what 911 is for.

Florida Man will call emergency dispatch ten times demanding a 22-hour ride to Mexico. When that doesn't pan out, he'll call back 80 times demanding free weed, hamburgers, and Kool-Aid. Sensing that Florida Man's apparent drug habit keeps getting him in trouble, his wife attempts to get a refund from their dealer. When the dude refuses, she calls 911. Wait.

Send your story tips to the author, Allie Conti.

Follow Allie Conti on Twitter: @allie_conti

Follow Miami New Times on Facebook and Twitter @MiamiNewTimes.


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