Dwyane Wade Scores 41 as Heat Advance to Eastern Conference Finals
Remember when Dwyane Wade crapped the bed last week and we all wrote him off, like a bunch of assholes? Pffft.
Wade dropped 41 points in Miami's 105-93 beatdown of the Indiana Pacers. MV3 scored 20 of his 41 in the second quarter, going 8-for-11 from the floor, and leading the Heat past what had become an insanely insufferable Pacers team and into the Eastern Conference Finals.
When most players have an epically terrible playoff game and are written off by the fans and the media, they usually crumble and are a shell of their former selves, needing an entire off-season to recover. But D-Wade decided he would shiv the doubters and the Pacers in the face with his dick instead.
No Udonis? No Bosh? No problem. Not when you've got a perfectly good Dwyane Wade and LeBron James you can unleash on your enemies. The dynamic duo once again blew shit up with their awesomeness, combining for 69 points (heh) on the night while the role players decided to pay tribute to the suspended Udonis Haslem by cockpunching the Indiana defense.
Mario Chalmers had what was possibly the most Mario Chalmers game ever, committing stupid fouls, turning the ball over, having loose balls bounce off his head, and going 4-for-6 or 15 points, including a couple of three pointers.
And then there was Mike Miller, who runs around the basketball court like someone stapled his scrotum to his inner thighs, scoring 12 points off the bench on four three pointers. It was exactly what we've been waiting for from Miller, who is obviously mostly dead by this point, yet is giving his all (just, no one high five him, lest his hand explode into a fine powder).
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The beginning of this series saw Pacers head coach Frank Vogel running his yap with "FLOPPER" talk, and "WE'RE JUST AS GOOD AS YOU ARE, IF NOT BETTER" talk, which eventually set the tone for the yipping from the Pacers and the eventual comeuppance delivered by one Udonis Johneal Haslem onto the face of Beaker Head McGee in Game 5. But by the end of the series, with Wade and LeBron taking a wrecking ball to the entire city of Indianapolis, Vogel was reduced to screaming incoherent shit like, "I ONCE SAW A BABY GIVE ANOTHER BABY A TATTOO!" and "SQUIRREL VAGINA!"
Zip it, Voges!
As has been the case pretty much all season long, the Heat got off to a slow start in Game 6, falling to an early 10-2 deficit to start off the game. The Pacers shot 60 percent from the field in the first half, the highest shooting percentage the Heat have allowed an opponent in the first half this season.
>But the Heat crawled back, mainly on Wade's back, as he led the team from an 11-point deficit with 26 first half points, breaking Tim Hardaway's franchise record of most points scored in the first two quarters of a playoff game (I got skeeeeills!).
Just a week ago, the Heat seemed to be on the brink of destruction. Without Chris Bosh, and the bench playing like a shit stain, it was up to LeBron and Wade to lead the team by themselves. But Game 3 saw Wade implode with the worst playoff game of his career, including a shouting match with Erik Spoelstra on the sidelines. In the first three games of this series, Wade shot a piss bucket 31 percent from the field.
But for the last three games of this series, D-Wade decided on a bold new course of action. Namely, to shove his foot into Larry Bird's cornhole while bludgeoning the Pacers into submission with his giant dong.
Yes, we make a big deal about LeBron's giant dong around here. It is huge and it obliterates things. But Wade has a giant dong too.
LeBron's dong is like the Hulk. It goes on a mindless destructive path, demolishing entire city blocks in its wake of annihilation, and then waking up naked and confused in a pile of bricks and steel hours later, before walking away to sad music.
Wade's dong is more subtle. It's more gallant and gentlemanly. Wade's dong will take off its coat and lay it down over a puddle for a lady to cross over.
But it is equally devastating to opponents.
In the final three games of this series, Wade and his dong shot 61 percent from the field-- an insane turnaround that shouldn't even be analyzed. Just stared at in awe. Wade took out his giant dong and spun it around like Thor's hammer, slicing the Pacers defense, hitting bank shots, and drawing fouls, all while the Pacers fans could do nothing but take it while others headed for the exits to beat the tractor traffic.
So now the Heat await the winner of Saturday night's Game 7 between the Philadelphia 76ers and Bawston Celtics.&
Either way, this means more rest of the still ailing Chris Bosh. And while the media will continue to write stupid shit, the Heat will prepare to make another run at the NBA Finals hoping they can get Bosh back as soon as his dino muscles are fully healed.
Game 1 of the Eastern Conference Finals is Monday at the American Airlines Arena.
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