Up until last night, the story of this Eastern Conference semi-final was Chris Bosh's abdominal strain and how much the Heat would miss him. But after last night's 94-75 blowout loss to the Pacers, the story is now how Dwyane Wade magically transformed into an amorphous blob of basketball shittiness right before our very eyes, and then yelled at his head coach. The Heat are now in a 2-1 hole, and all signs point to things ending very, very badly for your Miami Heat.
Can't pin this one on LeBron, assholes.
Last night's game was one of the most bizarre things we've ever seen in this market. Dwyane Wade, our superstar hero, MV3, untouchable, beyond scrutiny, the guy who single-handedly delivered this town a championship in 2006, mysteriously reduced to the worst basketball player on the planet in one night.
If Wade had stolen the t-shirt cannon from the Pacers mascot and filled it with his own excrement and started firing it at every guy in a Heat jersey he could spot in the stands point blank in the face, it still wouldn't be as bad and weird and shitty as his performance.
Wade took a giant sledgehammer to our collective balls, finishing the night with 5 points on 1-for-13 shooting, five turnovers and just one assist. He took inexplicably bad jump shots, and then continued to do so. He refused to attack the rim. He was a mess on defense. He was lethargic and slow. At one point, a pass from Shane Battier went through his hands and bounced off his foot. It's as if he had literally learned the game of basketball five minutes before the game began.
And then, there was the altercation with head coach Erik Spoelstra.
During a timeout, Coach Spo tried to get his star's head in the game, reprimanding him for his lack of effort on the defensive side of the ball. Wade lashed out, yelled at Spolestra (some lip readers claim he said "Get out of my face!") and slapped Udonis Haslem's hand when the veteran tried to intervene and calm shit down. AND NOW ESPN HAS IT'S STORY FOR THE NEXT 48 HOURS FUCK YEA!!!
In a word, MV3 was an MVAsshole. And has been throughout this entire series.
It's been the statistically worst playoff series of his career, at a time when everybody needed to sack the fuck up to make up for Bosh's absence. Instead, he's been whiny, unfocused and, well, serving up shit tacos for everyone.
Wade scored zero points in the first half last night. That's the first time that's happened in 95 playoff appearances. He's shooting 31 percent for the series, the worst since his rookie season. And he's averaging 19 points per game at a time when he needs to be his best to help LeBron carry the load.
And yet, people still inexplicably continue to place the burden on LeBron.
People are fucking morons.
To make matters worse, Mario Chalmers -- MARIO FUCKING CHALMERS!!! -- had the best performance of his career. Bizarro threw down 25 points on 10-for-15 shooting (!!!), attacked the paint and forced the Pacers to defend his jump shot. He did exactly what we asked him to do after Game 2. Unfortunately it happened on the same night Dwyane Wade was abducted by a UFO and replaced by an alien who sucks at basketball.
Yes, there's still plenty of basketball to be played here, including Game 5 in Miami.
And yes, if anyone can turn on the switch it's D-Wade. But it looks very much like he's either injured, or left all his fucks in the penny jar at 7-11.
After Game 2, we felt confident that Miami could bounce back and grind out a series win, even without Bosh.
But there's a disturbing trend here. Mainly that LeBron is simply playing by himself while one other guy has a good game on any given night. Shane Battier has been a dumpster fire and Mike Miller and his dildo hands are touch and go. Who knows when we'll see Chalmers have another game like this? And Wade's situation is on a whole other level of fuckery.
Things look asshole dark for the Miami Heat right now. Can they turn it around and salvage this season?
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!
GAME 4 is on Sunday at Indiana. Tipoff is at 3:30.