Normally, the first few days of the new year are a time to look forward, make resolutions, vomit up any vestigial alcohol, or go on a diet. But we have to take a moment to salute a local hero whose actions in the dying moments of 2013 made our New Year's Eve one to remember.
At 11:55 p.m. Tuesday, Fox News host Philip Keating and a cameraman were trolling South Beach for the station's All-American New Year TV spectacular. As Keating spouted the usual SoBe clichés, a woman in a tight burgundy dress began playing with his hair. "Well, hello there, tall drink of water," Keating said, putting the microphone in her face. "Happy New Year's, people. Say something to the nation!"
She said something, all right. Just not what Keating wanted. Click through to see a fitting end to 2013.
The "interview" began so well.
"We've got five minutes until 2014," the pretty brunette said on live national television as her friend smooched her on the cheek. Then her inner Miami girl took over.
"And we're gonna fuck shit up!" she shouted as her friend suddenly flicked off an entire nation of Duck Dynasty watchers.
In some distant, lily-white, lavender-scented lair, Fox News employees must have been scrambling to find the bleep button. But Keating reacted in his usual cool, kinda dickishly sexist style.
"Wow, you gotta watch your language," he said. "This is a family channel, babe!"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the brunette answered with the appropriate amount of sarcasm for someone who was just approached by a random stranger on New Year's Eve, called a "tall drink of water," and told to say something on camera.
But our local hero wasn't done messing with Fox News' big night. Before leaving Keating to wander like a lost child through the South Beach crowd, she had one more, very Florida missive for viewers at home.
"Go Noles!" she said while doing the tomahawk chop.
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And while many in Miami might not support Florida State on Monday, we can all agree with her on her overarching message:
It's 2014, and we're gonna fuck shit up.