Tonight is Halloween, which means you have a legitimate reason to go to clubbing on a Monday, and you need a killer topical costume to show off how cool and clever you are on social media. A last-minute banana suit from a pop-up costume shop simply won't do.
So you scan your room for options, eyeing piles of dirty clothes and old sports trophies — until you see it. Hanging in your closet, a musty old Jose Fernandez jersey.
If you have any semblance of a conscience, you'll put down the jersey and dress as something else.
We know many of you are monsters. We read New Times' Facebook comments. But please, please, for the love of God, don't dress as Jose Fernandez for Halloween this year. Ditto regarding Fernandez in a life jacket (hell no), zombie Jose Fernandez (nope), Frankenstein Jose Fernandez (definitely no), or anything with his jersey on it.
"But I'd never poke fun at such an obvious tragedy!" you yell at your computer monitor. Sadly, we don't believe you. South Floridians apparently need to be told not to dress in blackface or pretend to be Kodak Black this year, which means we need to give you some pretty damn specific instructions.
Also, some idiot Virginia Tech students two weeks ago posted a sign making fun of his death, so common decency is already long out the window here.
Most important, people have already reported seeing Jose Fernandez costumes in the wild this weekend, so this is apparently already a thing. At least one guy was snapped wearing a Fernandez jersey and water wings:
Dude in fed wearing a Jose Fernandez Halloween costume with a life jacket and blood on his face. If god is real he'll get jumped tonight— Joey (@robbyyp23) October 29, 2016
Time to get my Jose Fernandez Zombie costume ready. Where's my sailor hat though? #halloween— Damon Roderick (@ArmorRoderick) October 31, 2016
There was a kid at a party last night dressed as Jose Fernandez. Probably the worse costume yet.— Dan Benvie (@dbens12) October 29, 2016
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The Fernandez story is complicated, of course. According to toxicology reports released Saturday, the star pitcher's blood-alcohol content was
But regardless, Miami is still very much in a state of mourning. Many sports fans are still dealing with some serious grief over their loss.
If you want to make fun of the Miami Marlins, we certainly condone that. But there are a lot of other ways to do it. (In fact, wearing a regular Marlins jersey is enough.) For once on Halloween, let's leave the dead out of this.