Since President Barack Obama busted out his long form and whacked his man in Pakistan, the clamor of the "Birther" movement has become more of a soft whimper heard only in pathetic, delusional locales such as Arkansas sanatoriums and the set of The Sean Hannity Show.
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But a countermovement lives on. We call ourselves "Wiggers," and we demand the truth behind the origins of Donald Trump's hair. Now Riptide's team of private investigators has uncovered our movement's Holy Grail: the Donald's Hair's long-form birth certificate.
Now we know what the bastard mop has been hiding. You're welcome, America.